Why the thrill of the chase stops being thrilling after a while.
Why the thrill of the chase stops being thrilling after a while. Planning messages to hot guys weeks in advance probably isn't healthy for a relationship; sometimes it's hard ot admit that he's just not that into you, and why does that part of my body smell like that?
Stories of queer life and even queer-er sex.
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A while ago, back in the Before Times, when it was still ok to travel and be around people and hook up with strangers and not have to worry about bubbles or infection rates or things like that, I spent a lovely evening with a very nice young man. He was super hot, and interesting and really quite bendy. He lived in a different city to me, and I was there for work, and it’s always good to get along with the locals.
Anyway. As I was wiping myself down and seeing him to the door of my hotel room, I said he should come and visit me in London sometime, so we can do it again. I was getting a bit into him. NOT LIKE THAT, LOL. A little bit of a crush on the poor boy. Which is nice, to be honest. Quite often crushy feelings last long enough to get mopped up with a bit of toilet roll and flushed away, if you get my drift.
Anyway. Nice boy, very sexy, bit of a crush, come and see me in London. “I’d love to,” he says “but I’m a bit busy this next couple of weeks - pester me and I’ll come visit.” So I’m like OK! Just a bit excited that he’s down for a rematch, to be honest, and so it’s not for a couple of hours, as the post-sexytimes glow starts to fade that I realise that what I should have said was “no”. I’ve just agreed to play ‘chase me, chase me’ with this guy.
And he’s hot. And interesting. But… I have been here before. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a having to put a bit of effort in to seducing someone I like, but… It shouldn’t all be on me.
I like the flirting and the feeling like I've won them over in some small strange way, like I had to work for it. I had to win their affection, somehow. Part of it is because it’s fun. I enjoy the back and forth, the flirting, the build up, the dance of it all.
It’s weird, but If they’re too into me early on, it ruins it for me.
Nothing kills a boner for me more than someone being into me from the get-go.
Like, if someone on Grindr messages and their first message is something like ‘hey handsome’ I immediately recoil. I go all “what you want what's wrong with you why are you talking to me like that?”
It just feels… disingenuous. I find it creepy. Or I get suspicious and wonder what they’re after.
And you can’t just say “Thankyou for noticing my handsomeness. What is it you want?” because apparently that’s ‘rude’ and ‘up myself’.
I once replied “If you think my face is handsome, wait until you see my penis!” which went down well, until I added “It’s not very big, but it smells funny” and then they blocked me. No pleasing some people.
Yeah, I think whenever someone's like, Oh wow, I'm so into you. The main response from me is “That’s nice, thank you. Reconsider.”
I’ve mentioned before that I’ve never had a proper boyfriend. This is part of that, I think. Much like that image of a dog chasing cars - I wouldn’t know what to do if I got one. And, much like that dog, I’d probably hump it a bit, then wander off to go and eat something.
I love that part of the reason I”m single is because as soon as anyone fancies me, I lose all interest. Just swinging between “oh, why is it always me that has to make the first move? Surely some people must find me attractive enough to hit on?” and then when someone does make a move I go “Ew. I could never date anyone with taste so poor that they would fancy me!”
Maybe the best boyfriend for me would be one who didn’t actually know we were in a relationship. Imagine waking up one morning, and I’m laid in bed next to you, just like “Hi. We’re married now.
There was this one guy. Oh, I was so into him and I think part of the reason I was so in to him was because he was not into me. I mean, he kind of was, we made out, we slept together a few times, you know, like you do. It was hot, and sexy and we were both caught up in this lovely intense thing. And I think for him, it was just a little bit of a holiday romance type thing. Eventually we both had to go our separate ways, and I assume he just sort of thought “ All right. That was nice. And now I'm back to my real life which is all the way over here” and so just promptly sort of faded me out of his life, and carried on.
Which, in hindsight, was a bit of a mistake on his part. Because there was no proper ending, I was still under the impression that there could be something more there. Because he was hot, and emotionally unavailable. THERE IS NOTHING SEXIER. I”m always like ‘Nnnf, yes, ignore me harder, you fucking stud, yeah!’
Anyway. After we’d gone our separate ways, we kept texting and chatting and stuff for a while and the messages started to peter out and I found myself thinking of different things that I would message him, to make him engage. I would be thinking of ways to win his attention against whatever it was that he was working, whatever it was that was going on in his life at the time. Any little scrap of attention, a response that was just ‘lol’ or a laughing emoji, or anything that said to me that he’d noticed me was enough.
I would send a message. And if that didn't work, if he didn't respond, I'd be like, all right, well, okay, that's it for now. I'll leave it a day or two, and then I'll try something else. I tried an outright “hi, how’re you doing?” and that didn’t work, so next time we’ll go for a funny meme, and if that doesn’t do it, in a few days time I’ll send him a goofy picture…
The stupid thing was, I would rationalise him not responding like, “Oh, he's just busy or he's distracted, or he's, he's doing other things. And, you know, I need to work harder to get his attention and blah, blah, blah”
And I would find myself planning messages to him in the hope that it would come across as kind of carefree and laissez-faire and, Oh, Hey, you… Didn’t see you there! I haven't thought about you in a while. Silently adding “And I certainly haven’t been waiting here for a few days or maybe a week or so to pass before messaging you! Ha ha ha!
Probably starting to sound a bit obsessed here, Scott. It wasn’t that bad. I just had a crush on this guy and wanted him to be interested in me.
And he had been, for a while, then he’d just sort of wandered off. That’s all fair enough. That’s the kind of shit that happens, especially when he’s a hottie and lives far away- there are plenty of people in between where he is and where I am that are hotter or more interesting than me. I bet none of them have a dick that smells like mine, but that’s another story.
So I was using up all this energy, chasing and chasing when really, the thing I didn’t want to think, the thing that was staring me in the face that I absolutely refused to acknowledge was the obvious. He just wasn’t that into me.
And that’s the thing here. If you’re chasing after someone, putting in a lot of effort and getting nothing in return, you have your answer: As an awful Grindr profile put it, “No response is a response.”
Don’t spend your life chasing after someone who could not care less.
If they’re not into you, move on and find someone who is.
Not that I’m saying you shouldn’t take your shot, you should DEFINITELY do that. Don’t stand on the edge of the dancefloor of life, waiting for someone else to make the first move. Find a person you’re attracted to and generally just go for it. But… Only go for it with any person once. If it doesn’t go the way you want it to, just let it go and move on. Find someone else.
Maybe you don’t need to hear this, but I bloody did: If he's interested, he'll make it happen. If you have to work and work and work to get the slightest bit of recognition or validation, there’s nothing there. And that’s a shame, but let it go.
Chasing someone you can’t have is no way to live.
Don’t delude yourself thinking “oh, but he just doesn’t know me yet, or he hasn’t noticed my wit, or they way my ass looks in those jeans, or my the fact that I can suck a golf ball through a graden hose. As soon as he gets a load of that, he’s BOUND to fall for me. No. He knows. He just doesn’t care. Chalk it up to experience, move on and find someone who does appreciate a witty comeback or a pert bum, or the kind of blowjob that’ll have him walking sideways for a week. This guy isn’t into you, continuing on this course won’t change that, and that needs to be ok. No-one is for everyone, and it’s no-one’s fault if you don’t click.
Why are we like this, do you think? Why would anyone choose to spend time on such a wasted pursuit, rather than putting that energy into finding someone who is actually into us?
Maybe it’s a worth thing. Maybe it’s easier to not have a relationship with someone, because deep down we don’t believe ourselves to be worthy of that love, and that deep connection. It’s easier to go for someone unattainable than it is to shift that energy into finding someone who will love you and care for you unconditionally, as you are, without artifice or expectation. Because, if you did that, it might work, and you might find yourself in a loving relationship. Which would be terrible, because then you’d have to face the possibility that you are worthy of someone else’s love.
Or maybe you’re just worried they’d be put off by the dick stink.