A guide to DEFINITELY NOT having sex in public, because that's a NAUGHTY CRIME. And some thoughts on what to do if you decide you want to BREAK THE LAW, what it means to be community-minded when shagging in public, and why it can be seen as a bit ...
A guide to DEFINITELY NOT having sex in public, because that's a NAUGHTY CRIME. And some thoughts on what to do if you decide you want to BREAK THE LAW, what it means to be community-minded when shagging in public, and why it can be seen as a bit like a heist movie: Get in, get it done, get out and no-one is any the wiser.
Also, Americans tend to be too loud at everything.
Stories of queer life and even queer-er sex.
Always interesting, definitely amusing, Probably True - the repeatedly-award-winning, slightly filthy storytelling project tackling LGBTQ issues in a fun and engaging way.
Much like its creator, it is a smutty-but-charming collection of personal misadventures working to make the world a better place, one silly, sexy story at a time.
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I was talking to a friend of mine recently about how I'm worried turning into a grumpy old man. I go to bed early, I wake up early, I have a routine, I do stuff, and I’ve started to get set in my ways.
I think lockdown might have a lot to do with this, as the range of things I can do is suddenly very limited. And one of the few things I can do, or could, until recently, was go to the gym. It became a nice outlet, there were people around so I could feel social without actually having to talk to anyone - my favourite kind of social, if I’m honest, especially if they happen to be all muscly, and slightly sweaty, too. So I’ve been going to the gym quite a bit, and one of the things that annoys me is that my local gym chain only makes you wear a mask when you’re NOT exercising, which makes no sense to me. Because when you’re exercising is when you’re most likely to be breathing hard and spraying any potential germs around the place. It’s a bit like saying that you only need to wear a condom during foreplay, it makes absolutely no sense. Anyway.
I was ranting all this to a friend of mine who listened to me go on and on about it for a while and then said “Bit rich to moan about people not wearing masks, when you’re sucking dick in the showers”. And I just want to say that that is COMPLETELY different because shut up.
He went on to say that he was super jealous that I ever managed to do that because it had never happened to him. He’d never had a guy hit on him in the gym, let alone get squirty in the showers afterwards. And I tried to explain that the reason it has happened to me is because I make it happen. Or at least, I make space for it to happen.
So I thought today I’d give you a little how-to guide on how to get your rocks off at the gym.
Because it’s a victimless crime. Why not have a bit of post-workout funtimes with some sexy man?. It's cheeky. It's naughty. It's actually technically illegal. So while it is a victimless crime, it is not a punishment-less crime. Sigh. So, before some muppet gets themselves arrested and blames me: The author wishes it to be known that this podcast series is intended to be entertainment only; nothing contained in within is an incitement to breaking the law, and anyone who does break the law after listening to it does so entirely by their own choice and at their own risk.
Basically, don’t do any of the things I’m about to tell you about, because that would be Bad and Breaking The Law. And no-one should risk breaking the law just to rub one out with a stranger in the showers, even if it is fun and not hurting anyone and a great way to end your workout. It’s still bad. And Naughty.
On with the Probably True Guide to Gym Showers Hookups.
I think the main thing, like I say, is to make space for it to happen, not as in like, drawing a line across the floor in the changing rooms and only letting people on your side if they’re already on their knees. What I mean is, be aware that it’s a thing that might happen, and be open to the idea of it. Most people in the locker room will be paying little to no attention to anyone else in there. That’s fine, that’s pretty much the normal way of it, so anyone who isn’t doing that, anyone who is looking up whenever a new person walks in, or occasionally catches your eye across the room, MIGHT be interested. They also might not. You can’t MAKE someone be interested, the best you can do is try and give off a couple of subtle signals, see if they’re picking up what you’re putting down.
It’s things like eye contact, a bit of a smile, flash a little flesh their way, and see if they look over. Don’t stomp over to them with your nob out, shouting NEED SOMEWHERE TO HANG YOUR TOWEL, SWEETHEART? Or anything like that.
If they don’t react, don’t try harder. Can’t stress that enough. They either saw you and didn’t want to know, or didn’t see you because they’re not looking for that sort of thing. You gave it a go, it didn’t go your way, so accept that and move on gracefully. Certainly don’t make a tit of yourself. I think we all know which massive loser I could mention there, but I’m not going to.
Another tip - when you're showering, maybe keep your cubicle door open just a smidge. Doesn't need to be a lot, we’re not going for a full-on Amsterdam red light district-style window performance, just enough for a glimpse of flesh, as you rub yourself down and soap yourself up.That way, anyone looking for it will see it, and to anyone who isn’t will just walk past oblivious and assume that you're just showering.
The most important thing in all of this is not to scare the straights. If it’s done right, any straight dudes around will have no idea what’s going on. That’s part of the fun. It’s also key to not getting beaten up or arrested.
It’s the balance of subtlety and confidence that is key. It takes a little time to learn.
Although that said, the first time anyone came on to me in the showers, he just walked right up to me, naked and rock hard and waited for me to notice. It was enormous, so honestly it was pretty hard to miss. We had already been chatting and flirting a lot on Grindr, so he knew he was pretty much in there. Not… in there, just in, there.
One thing that I do is I take a very small towel. It’s one of those gym-branded ones they tend to sell in the vending machines. It’s about the size of two handkerchiefs to sewn together, and is meant to be used to wipe down the equipment after use. Turns out that that's the only towel I can comfortably get into my gym bag. So i couldn’t bring a bigger one, even if I wanted to. Hands tied, innit. The reason I use a tiny one like that is so I can use it to cover my modesty when I want, but then I can’t do that AND dry my hair, or the rest of me at the same time, so there’s going to be a times when my great big enormous wang is flopping about for all to see. And if someone catches an eyeful of me drying my hair with my willy waving about then, that's entirely up to them, isn't it? It can be fun to see who’s taking a quick glance and who’s not.
It’s important to remember that almost every trip to the gym will NOT end in any kind of shenanigans, even if you’re a skilled shower slut. That’s because it’s a gym, not an actual sauna. Oooh, if your gym has a sauna, that’s a good place.
Not the point. What I’m saying is, most people, probably 99%, are not there for any kind of naughty funtimes. They’re there to lift heavy things and take photos for their Insta, like civilised people. So, don’t go expecting it, just leave room for it to happen, perhaps, if you’re lucky.
And you don’t HAVE to do anything, even if there is someone into you. Sometimes it’s nice to know the option is there without actually acting on it. Enthusiastic support on both sides is essential.
It’s very important to be aware of other people, and make sure you’re not making anyone uncomfortable. The changing rooms are where everyone goes to be naked. But not necessarily for sexy funtimes. It’s a shared space and that needs to be respected. Subtle is sexy, overconfident is obnoxious and creepy. No-one wants that, and you’ll soon find yourself banned from the gym.
Public sex means being respectful of others, too. I read a lovely example of this, where a group of gays who all use a local cruising ground occasionally to get their rocks off, also voluntarily meet up early in the morning on weekends and go around that area tidying up all the sex litter and rubbish like cndoms and lube packets and whatever, so that anyone out walking the dog the next morning, or taking their kids to the park or whatever don’t have to deal with anyone else’s fuckrubbish. I think that’s lovely.
Think of this like a Stealth mission on some video game. Or a heist movie thing. It’s not enough that you do the thing, in this case, get horny with some random in a cubicle, it’s also that no one else finds out. If they do, then you’ve failed.
Speaking of, if you do find yourself in the lovely situation of having some company in your shower cubicle, it’s best to make it quick and quiet. You may very well want to savour the feeling of freshly-worked-out flesh against your own, and spend a long time making sure you scrub every inch of moist, quivering flesh as the soap suds slide down his bulging muscles, tanlging in the light, downy hair as his breath catches in your ear and … Sorry, distracted myself a bit there.
Where was I? Oh, yeah, stick to a quick fiddle and maybe a toot on his hairy bagpipes. Not just because the longer you take in there, the more likely you are to be caught, but also because showers and changing rooms in general, tend to be really quite echoey places. You don’t want the echoes of your cheeks getting clapped reverberating around the changing rooms. Any loud grunts or groans, or even particularly rigorous fanoodling may well be heard by others. This is especially true of Americans, who it seems are physically incapable of not being too loud all the time.
I was on a train with an American lover once, and we started to get a little bit sexy. It wasn’t a busy carriage but we didn’t have it to ourselves, so I made sure he knew to be quiet and then literally the moment I fanoodled his pondubilizer he went OHHHH. When I told him to shut the fuck up he said “I am! I’m being really quiet!” and then got really pissed off when I refused to continue.
And I suppose another reason not to shag in the showers is because you might be tempted to try using shower gel as lube. I wouldn’t. You'll be farting bubbles for days.