Eat

Just as I am getting myself psyched up for video versions of Probably True, YouTube decides that any swearing anywhere in videos is bad. And so is talking about spicy things. Because of course they flipping well did. Flip them all, and flip me too, I guess. 

Ah well. Since a lot of my material is filthy sexy fun stuff, I imagine I’m going to have to get quite creative up in here. 

And when I really just want to say a spicy word, I’ll just have to censor it. Like this: fuck my hairy ass with your big hard dick, you filthy fucking slut.

Don’t worry, though: Patreon supporters get access to the uncensored version, so if you really want to hear me talk like the sailors in the queue outside your mum’s house, head on over to patreon dot com slash probably true

Or I suppose you could listen to the podcast on a non-video platform, like Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. They don’t mind me swearing. 

Also, this might not be the best episode to listen to while you’re eating. Just saying.

Titty sprinkles!

<<INTRO>>

I don't think I've mentioned on here before just how much I love eating a nice… ripe peach. It’s fantastic. One of my favourite sexy things to do, in fact.

I could trip and fall face first onto a lovely, pert flesh cushion and spend the whole day just motorboating around in there. Lovely. Cannot get enough. 

I don’t remember when this first became a thing for me. I don’t think it was an early discovery, which is probably for the best. I remember as a teenager having only a nodding acquaintance with the world of personal grooming. Even the notion of anyone fighting their way through the bramble patch in the back yard… God, no. Can’t imagine other teenagers were much better than me. 

Which brings me to my first point: Hygiene. Seriously. If you want me to interact with parts of your body, make sure they are clean and welcoming to me beforehand. I know some people prefer things au naturelle, and believe me when I say we will be talking about THAT sort of thing another time, but as a general rule of thumb, or finger, or nob, make sure everything is clean and presentable before… presenting it.

Honestly, as someone who has spent plenty of time singing into the Devil’s canyon? Playing the cheeky trombone? I can say with certainty that there should most definitely be a rating system, like they have for restaurants. Not a Yelp review, although that would be great for sex. I mean the one that you get after the official inspector comes around and checks everything. The one that means the 2am kebab shop legally has to put their 1 star rating in the window to warn people that they’re almost going to catch something nasty if they eat there. That. But for bums.

There’s been more than one occasion where I’ve woken up feeling like I’ve got a cold or something coming on the day after thinking “something’s not quite right here…” Like when you eat some hummus and it’s not full-on fizzy yet, but it certainly has a tang to it. And you have to decide in that moment if you’re going to say “I’m sure it’ll be fine, besides, it’s right here and I really fancy a carrot stick” and eat it anyway, or go to all the effort of standing up, walking to the shop, and buying some of the fresh stuff in order to enjoy your crudites.

AND I THINK WE ALL KNOW WHERE YOU’RE GOING TO BE STICKING THE CARROT, DON’T WE?

Protip: a licked finger doing a recce - not inside, but just ringing their doorbell. If it passes the sniff test, go for it. If not, either skip that course or send them off to the showers.

This is one of the good things about Making Special Friends in the gym showers, actually. You’re automatically cleaning each other so by the times mouths get near anything there’s a better chance that it’ll all be hygienic and lovely.

Side note: Do not try to eat ass in the shower. You will drown. It’s like hairy waterboarding.

It’s not all fun and games when you’re nose-deep, smelling someone’s rose garden, as it were, though. I remember one time, a grindr tart came round. We had a lovely evening watching Moana and getting sexy. Afterwards, as I was hosing him down and loosening the clamps, he said - and this is verbatim, “You found my hemorrhoid. It was so hot when you played with it.” 

And the first thing that came into my head was Dwayne Rock “The Johnson”’s song in Moana. Although my version was slightly different to what Dwayne ‘The Johnson’ Rock sang. My version went “What can I say except BLEUGH”

For the record, I had not been looking for it. I didn’t realise I’d found anything of the sort. The thing about picnicking on the hellmouth is that you famously can’t really do it and look at it at the same time. This is for the best. There is nothing sexy about making eye contact with Sauron. Not in person and definitely not in photos. Seriously. Unless someone literally says to you “please send me photos of your tradesman’s entrance”, assume that they do not want to see it.

I was just doing things the way I usually do them. And, apparently, having my tongue doing to his bum-grape what a boxer does to a speedbag was the way to go. 

It’s probably for the best that I didn’t see it or notice, to be honest. Because I’d probably have panicked and not known what to do. There’s no point in announcing it, because I imagine the owner will be really quite aware that it’s there and I wouldn’t want to make him uncomfortable or awkward, especially while he’s riding my face. 

I’d probably have just tried to eat around it, like it was a boiled egg in an otherwise delicious trifle.

Anyway.

Back to tossing salad. It’s great. Everyone should try it. I know some people who are scared to try in case they fart in the dude’s face or something. And yes, obviously, don’t do that. Unless it has been VERY SPECIFICALLY REQUESTED beforehand, don’t do that. Do farts often take you by such surprise? Do you not feel them coming? Are you so raddled that they just flop their way out without you noticing? 

Assuming you’re not some kind of fuck-puppet and the elastic still has plenty of spring left in it, so to speak, then I am very much in favour of getting your balloon-knot twiddled. I’ve known guys go from “the idea doesn’t really appeal to me” to “eyes crossed, shouting into a pillow” within a couple of minutes.

Not to brag, but once I made a guy cum just by orbiting his event horizon, if ya get me. Sexy space metaphor! Haha! To be honest, it was a little bit of a relief to relieve him just by tickling his fancy, as he was SUPER hot and I was worried I was only going to manage a couple of pumps before it was all over anyway. 

So, yes. Give it a go! It’s fun! You might discover a whole new hobby. 

My favourite arrangement is to be on my back while my opponent is on their knees, and then I slide, mechanic-style underneath them to inspect their undercarriage. 

That way, while I’m doing my thing, they can be sitting up enjoying themselves, or, if they want to give back, they can lean forward and have a go on my adventure play area at the same time. Everyone’s a winner.

And, while shagging isn’t always the end goal, and as I’ve said, certainly not the only way to have a satisfying time, eating ass can really help things along. Because it helps to relax things in that area.

So if, as a bottom, you have trust issues and have trouble opening up to new people, as it were, then first of all, I feel ya. There are far too many disappointing tops out there. 

But also, think of it like you’re introducing your dog to a new boyfriend, or something. Get them on their knees and down there so they can introduce themselves, get to know one another. It’s important that the two of them get along, so a bit of quality time is a good way to start.

To switch metaphors again, think back to a lesson we all learned as teenagers: It doesn’t matter how hard you try - if the doorman doesn’t like you, you’re not getting into the nightclub.