March 22, 2021



The pitfalls of putting D in the B and how to avoid them: It's a bit like dancing. Sort of.

The pitfalls of putting D in the B and how to avoid them: It's a bit like dancing. Sort of. A quick and silly glance at some of the things about being gay that they don't put in the brochure. Also, use more lube. Seriously.

Stories of queer life and even queer-er sex. 

Probably True - the repeatedly-award-winning, slightly filthy storytelling project tackling LGBTQ issues in a fun and engaging way. 

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I decided a few years back that I was going to learn how to bottom properly. You’d think it would come naturally, you just hop on and off you go, but I think there’s definitely some skill to it. 

I said once to someone that I wanted to learn how to bottom properly. They said “Oh, it’s easy, just find yourself a nice boy with a good-shaped cock and spend some time getting comfy on it.” And I was like “Going to have to stop you there, sweetheart. Find a nice boy? I’ve been mostly failing at that one for the past hundred years or so, and that’s before we get into the mysteries of what they’ve got in their pants, like some kind of Goldicocks.”

What ‘nice boy’ here means is one who you can trust to top you patiently and gently while you get used to it, and not to just jam it in and jiggle it around like they’re trying to clear a blockage.

There may well be a subset of people who like it up ‘em who can just go to town on anything thrust their way. Just a “schlomp” and off they go, and good for them. I’m sure they’re very popular and if any of them are listening, you know where my socials are, but that’s not the norm, and it shouldn’t be expected to be. The reason a lot of people expect it to be that simple and easy to accept visitors via the tradesman’s entrance, so to speak, is because they’ve watched a bit too much porn.

And it might LOOK like it’s easy and effortless and all of that in porn, but it’s not. There’s a lot of preparation and getting used to having things in places that goes on behind the scenes that we don’t have to see because that’s not the sexy part. And maybe that’s the thing - sex often isn’t that sexy. This is why you’ll regret putting a mirror on your bedroom ceiling. It SEEMS like a great purchase on paper, but at best it’s distracting, and at worst it will highlight all the worst bits of your sexytimes. 

Anyway. Bottoming.

It’s not just about lubeing up and jamming it in there. 

Speaking of lube, there should be lots of it. It’s like garlic in that however much you think you should use, use more. Just in case. Don’t use garlic during sex, though. I mean, And I mean actual, proper lube, not just spit and shove. This is not Brokeback Mountain, there is no excuse for you not to have some actual proper bum lube. You can get it for free from bars and sexual health clinics, and it comes in those little shag packs you see everywhere. Grab a few and keep them in a coat pocket or something. Just in case. There’s a reason it’s always available next to the condoms, and that’s because it’s always needed, just like the condoms. Using either without the other is to risk the need for medical intervention.

Because that’s how things go wrong. And there’s plenty of things that can go wrong. Some are messy, some are painful, and some involve words like ‘anal fissure’, ‘rectal bleeding’ and ‘hemorrhoids like stinky grapes’. Yeah, don’t mention that in the brochure, do they? Being gay is all tight clothes, dancing and saying ‘yaas queen’. That’s how they get you. Then, once you’re all signed up as a Friend To Sailors, you realise it’s mostly historical suffering, internalised homophobia and occasionally bleeding out your bum.

Anyway. Lube. 

There’s two basic kinds: Water-based and silicone-based. Water based is cheaper, but you’ll use more of it because after you’ve been going at it for a while can get a bit tacky as it starts to dry out. Silicone doesn’t dry out, so you’ll stay slippy a lot longer, but it’s more expensive and you’ll need soap and water to get it off your skin. You thought this was just going to be ten minutes of bum jokes, but here I am, giving you actual useful advice. You’re welcome. 

Where was I? Oh, yeah, learning to be a good bottom is a lot like learning to dance. You can get the basic steps and routines down by yourself, and it’s always a good idea to practise, but you’re not going to get the hang of it properly until you’ve got a partner to do it with. Which is to say, learning to be a good bottom often requires a good top. And I think I might have to do an entirely separate episode on how to do that, because CHRIST, there’s precious few of those knocking around. 

I’ve talked already about ‘preparing’ for sex and how to wash out your bootyhole to make sure you’re not going to leave a little souvenir of a good night behind.

But ‘preparing’ doesn’t just mean doing things to yourself in the bathroom for so long your housemate has to wee in the kitchen sink. It gets complicated. You’ll learn the hard way not to eat spicy food if you’re going to be getting some bone later that evening, things like that. There was a guy I had a bit of a crush on a few years ago, and we were talking all sexy on some app or other, and I invited him round to mine, saying “there’s a coffee shop nearby - we can hang out and chat some more, then maybe go back to mine after” and he replied “Well, we can do one or the other, because if I drink any coffee, nothing else will be happening” and that was something I had absolutely no idea that you’d need to actively manage. So, if you top, watch that privilege - you get to rock up without so much as flicking a flannel around your nethers, while the poor bottom over there has been watching what they eat and drink, hoovering out their insides and taking a LOT of time to get ready for you. 

This is also why it’s bad juju to cancel on a bottom at the last moment. If you say you want to plow them until they can’t see straight, make sure you’re there, on time and ready to go. Don’t mess a boy around. He will have made an effort to accommodate you, in every sense of the word, and you don’t shouldn’t take that for granted. 

Of course, when you’ve finished your one-way trip to poundtown, even if everyone’s had a good time and there’s cuddling going on, there’s often a conversation that you have to have, whether you like it or not. It goes a bit like this:

Scott. Oi. Scott.

What? My bum? Is this about…

Yeah, that was fun, wasn’t it? 

Uhh, yeah… You ok? 

Oh yeah, think so. Just thought you’d like to know, you’re about to do a really big poo.

Wha… Nah, I think that’s just from all the jostling about and the different sensations and all that. I don’t actually need to poo.

If you say so, squire.

Ah, ok, good. Because that would really kill the romance of this lovely


Wha, um?


Ohgod. No, this isn’t really

Isn’t it? Ok then. You know best. Eight.

And so you do end up running to the toilet, you sit there and nothing happens, because it was just due to all the unexpected activity down there and everything is fine. Apparently this is just something to get used to, and you eventually find ways to ignore it and everything is fine. 

That’s what you think, sunshine


Anyway. Like I say, you can still practise by yourself a bit before graduating to having a partner involved, if you want.

I remember reading on a forum somewhere some advice for anyone wanting to learn to bottom was to get your bum used to having visitors, shall we say. This article said to, buy a range of buttplugs in different sizes, then start by putting the smallest one up your bum at night and sleeping with it there until morning. That way, your bum stretches a little to get used to it. After a few nights of that, you move to a slightly bigger one and repeat until you can comfortably take as big a one as you like.

I have no idea if this person was taking the piss, to be honest. If you ARE going to try this, I’d recommend going for the silicone lube, as it doesn’t dry out. You don’t want to end up using water-based lube that dried overnight, effectively glueing a toy into your bumhole.

Besides, I don’t like the idea of popping something up there and leaving it until morning. What if it keeps on going, travelling slowly up through your body, and just ends up embedded in a kidney or a lung or something? One day you might be minding your own business having a perfectly nice walk in the park and blow your nose, only to find a buttplug in your hanky?

Or worse, what if you pop it up there intending to sleep with it in place, but a sudden gust fires it across the room like a midnight champagne cork.

No-one wants their attempt to increase their sexual repertore to end with a sex toy becoming a broccoli-powered bullet, that ricochets off a lamp and kills the cat.