March 8, 2021



'Tackling' the 'important' issues of queer lockdown. Or just talking about w*nking for a few minutes.

'Tackling' the 'important' issues of queer lockdown. Or just talking about w*nking for a few minutes. Either way, this episode looks at self-medication via masturbation, strategies to avoid boner burnout, and asks "do you need to get consent from someone before masturbating over them? (Hint: No, that's weird. And possibly sexual harassment.)


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I’m getting a little bit worried about my brain. I’m worried I’ve ruined it. It was never particularly efficient and well-oiled to start with, but I’m pretty sure lockdown has done me no favours. My attention span is completely buggered. Even right now, as I”m doing this, I’m fighting the urge to wander off and start three or four other things. And at least two of those would be masturbating.

It got a bit bad, at one point, actually. I think I reverted to a bit of a teenage mentality, where if I’m not wanking, it’s just because I’m waiting for everything to recharge so I can have another go.
And when you get to that point, it doesn’t matter how much lube or cream you use, you’re going to start getting sore. 

I once gave a guy a friction burn on his dick, actually. I kinda felt bad, but he did tell me to keep going, so his fault, really. My arm was killing me.

Anyway. I bet porn companies have been raking it in. I know lots of people have started Onlyfans accounts, and I am VERY grateful for that. We should all support our friends artistic endeavours, especially when thett involves watching the hot ones get awkwardly nobbed in front of a phone and a ring light.

Although starting your own private nudey video channel is only a good idea if you’re particularly inventive, or you know that lockdown is going to end soon, because if you can’t leave the house or meet up with other people, your material is going to get boring quickly. Learned that one the hard way, when I paid a hot Columbian dude, just to watch him have the same bored wank every few days because he was stuck in his house and had no-one to ‘collaborate’ with.

Incidentally, I’m still running my erotic literature audio-only onlyfans for anyone who wants to hear me talk dirty but without the jokes. It’s called Late Night Listen and there’s a link in the show notes. Not to brag, but I’m currently in the top 50% of Onlyfans creators. I know. 

Anyway. Wanking too much. I’m something of an expert on that one, even before lockdown. But being cooped up in my house has made it a lot worse. It made me get a bit worryingly specific, like I want ‘straight guy sucks dick to get into a college fraternity’, but only if the acting is good enough that I can really BELIEVE he doesn’t want to suck that dick. If I can’t see the mental anguish behind his eyes as he effortlessly deepthroats a 10-inch wang, I’m just not going to be able to finish.

Maybe I should start scheduling and theming my porn, like, today is hung twinks, tomorrow will be ‘public sex caught on camera’, and then at the weekend, maybe I’ll treat myself to a nice long session of something REALLY problematic. 

To be honest, it’s difficult to find any other type.

I like to take breaks from porn for a while, and consciously use my imagination instead, just to flex all those creative muscles. Although that’s a lot easier when you’re around many other people, because you can think about that hottie who serves you coffee, or that cute barman, or the waiter with the nice bum, and how you’d like to seduce them in a tender yet powerful way… 

But when you’re stuck at home all day, the pool of stimulating human interactions shrinks quite massively. All I'm left with is the guy on the checkout at Tescos, and I don’t find him attractive at all, but since he’s the closest I’m going to get to human interaction today, I’ll damn well grit my teeth and make it happen.

I think this is why a lot of people have been shagging their housemates during the pandorica. There’s no-one else around and after a while someone you’ve been entirely unattracted to for a long time starts to look appealing. Like a bowl of gruel to a starving man. It’s not a steak, but it’s there. 

Neither of those are good things, though. Whether it’s straining your imagination to make an unsexy person hot, or shagging someone just because they’re nearby and equally horny, it’s better if you don’t. 

Don’t shag someone just because it’s convenient.  Never waste an orgasm on someone you don’t fancy.

There’s a good reason that porn useage and wanking in general have gone up over lockdown, though, and that’s because it releases a happy chemical in your brain. And when you’re feeling a bit miserable because the whole world is going to hell, a little bit of happy chemical can really help you get through the situation. To a point, anyway. It’s when that’s the only bit of happy chemical you get throughout the day that it becomes a worry, because it’s a slippery slope to when you’re automatically reaching for your nethers at every given moment, because nothing else brings you joy and so rub one out just so you can face another day in this burning hellscape and pretend to be a functioning human for a few hours. Sorry, that sentence got away from me a little bit.

I’ve had a couple of jobs that I straight-up hated, and those were always fun to nip off to the one toilet that had a solid wifi connection and get those chemicals going. There’s nothing better than a wank on paid time. Except maybe a job that doesn’t crush your soul with the misery of it all, but if we’re keeping it realistic, then I’d probably say stick with the cheeky wanking. Also, there’s always a couple of office-hot people for you to fantasize about, which is nice.

Incidentally, I saw a random tweet recently that said you need to ask people for consent before you masturbate while thinking about them, and if you can’t contact them, you have absolutely no right to wank over them. Which is brilliant. Weird, and confusing, but still, brilliant.

Incidentally, if you’ve thought about me while wanking, two things. One: Congratulations on your excellent taste, you have almost certainly made me much sexier than I really am, and Two, feels like you owe me. Paypal or actual folding money are both fine, and if you consider cash to be too impersonal, let me know and I’ll send you an Amazon wish list that you can choose from. Best to just pay up now before I get the lawyers involved. Same goes for any future wanks you might have about me, to be honest. Pop a couple of quid in the wank bucket every time and we’ll say no more about it.

Anyway. A fun game for me was to keep an eye on how long your work wank takes, then work out from your salary exactly how much you just got paid to have a wank. I’ve had a couple of godawful jobs where I would schedule that sort of thing into my day. Like, after lunch I’d make sure there was a solid hour with no meetings, so I could have a coffee, a poo and a wank, all while being paid. 

Another little game I played was to see if I could sit still long enough to get the motion sensor lights to switch off while I was still on the loo. Turns out they were on a 15 minute timer, so yes, I could. Always a little bit terrifying to be off down a wikipedia rabbit hole and suddenly be plunged into pitch blackness. Just don’t panic and shout “Help me, I’m blind!” or you’ll get unwanted attention. 

I imagine.

I used to make a point of doing as many poos at work as I could. It pleased me to know I was essentially being paid to release large amounts of excrement. But then I worked in social media marketing, so all that really changed between my desk and my cubicle was whether the poo was metaphorical or not.

Here’s a tip - if you’re in a job you don’t like much, pretend to have started smoking. That way you get a little break every hour or so. You can go for a little walk, catch up on netflix on your phone, or just rub out a crafty one in the toilets, no questions asked.

But enough about poo, I’m supposed to be talking about masturbation,and both are very satisfying, but in very different ways.

So, anyway.

If you’re in a bit of a miserable rut like, for example, the middle of a panderium, it can be easy to get a bit dependant on that small dose of happiness. It’s almost like getting a bit addicted, finding yourself gagging for a chance to add another layer of crust to your wank sock, because there’s not much else bringing you joy at the moment. You can get caught in that cycle of self-medication through masturbation, which means you become a bit reliant on it.

And that can lead to a lack of interest in actual sex because it’s easier to just do it yourself, which make you more miserable because you’re missing out on all of the interaction and physical contact that comes with agood swexy time.

Or maybe you find that other people don’t do it exactly the way you like it, because you’ve had 50 million chances to get it exactly right, and this person does it a little differently, so you might as well stay at home and do it yourself rather than try to get others to help. I’ve heard. From a friend. 

There are other ways to produce happy chemicals - exercise, talking to friends, physical contact, if you can safely do so, is incredibly good for your happy chemicals. So is going for a walk, looking after plants, or pets, or whatever. Children, I suppose, although I can see how children would quite quickly make all of the happy chemicals get sucked right the fuck back up again. Laughter is a good one, apparently. Watch something funny on TV. Or trip up one of your children as they walk past. Hours of fun.


That’s why I’ve recently started consciously cutting back on the amount of wanking I indulge in, porn-related or otherwise. 

Partly because if you watch too much of it, you end up ina  sort of porn-trance, where you forget that in real life, the plumber is only there to sort your pipes out and not sort your pipes out.

Maybe I’m wrong, and post-lockdown, there’s going to be another big free love movement, with orgies in parks and what have you, as we all embrace the joy of our physical, sexual selves. Probably not, though. If only because of the weather. Nothing dampens those sexual urges like heavy rain and a strong wind.

I worry that, when the pandemonium finally ends and we’re all allowed outside again, normal sex with other people just is not going to do it for me. Alright fine, we can have sex, but unless there’s something problematic for me to watch over your shoulder, and you’ve got the right grip strength, it’s just going to be disappointing for both of us. More than usual, I mean.