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April 12, 2021

Top

Top

After the 'success' of the Bottom episode, it seemed only right to do one about topping.


After the 'success' of the Bottom episode, it seemed only right to do one about topping. The main thrust (lol) is to make the whole thing a team effort, not just a sprint for the finish. Of course, we can't talk for long about sticking body parts into one another before bumping into our old friend Toxic Masculinity. 

Stories of queer life and even queer-er sex. 

Probably True - the repeatedly-award-winning, slightly filthy storytelling project tackling LGBTQ issues in a fun and engaging way. 

Much like its creator, it’s a smutty-but-charming collection of personal misadventures working to make the world a better place, one silly, sexy story at a time.  

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Transcript

Throughout the universe, there is balance: darkness and light, chaos and order, dicks and bumholes, and so it seems pretty obvious that I’m going to have to do a ‘Top’ episode to go with the ‘bottom’ one. So, here we are. 

I actually spoke to a few people - I know, get me actually doing research like someone who actually knows what they’re on about. Don’t worry, it won’t last - and the main thing that kept coming up was this:

Tops. Slow. The. Fuck. Down. 

And I chose those words very carefully because they apply to pretty much every part of the process. If you are sticking parts of yourself into other people, don’t go at it like a randy terrier missing his master’s leg. Start off slow and gentle give the person whose innards you’re rummaging around in time to get used to it. It’s not a phone charger - you can’t just rattle it around until you get the angle right, then just jam it in there and expect everything to light up. Gently. Slowly. Take your time and check in with your partner. “Is this ok? “Want me to wait there for a sec?” things like that.

And not just at the start, although definitely at the start. If you think you need to be at it super fast and super hard all the time, then you’ve been watching too much bad porn. Slow it down. Take your time. Be a bit gentle. It’s meant to be two of you, having a good time together, not one of you doing a fuck on the other.

I got chatting about this ages ago with some randoms at a party, and when the idea of a considerate top circulated, you could hear the sound of trousers tightening and engagement rings being polished.

Of course, there’s always a few people who will say “Oh, I don’t care about any of that, I just want a top who can pound me hard and mercilessly.” and maybe that’s a fun fantasy, but like all fantasies, it;’s not quite as exciting in real life. Like, I always dreamed of getting a giant bar of chocolate, and eating the whole thing, all to myself. In real life, I would probably feel very sick, and then my foot would drop off from diabetes. It’s a lovely idea, but in reality, one bar of chocolate is enough. NOt because I don’t WANT all of it all at once, yes please om nom, nom, but because I know that the fantasy of desire is different from the reality of actually experiencing. The same goes for having hot, steamy shower sex with an entire men’s rugby team, all of that toned muscly flesh getting wet and steamy and covered in suds. For example. 

My point, I think, was that if you’re going to stick your dick in someone, it should not be a novelty or an unusual thing for you to make sure that the other person is enjoying having your dick stuck in them. Make that your priority, for fuck’s sake. Like, literally, for the sake of fuck, make sure the other person is enjoying what you’re doing. And I don’t mean in a “Uh, yeah, you like that, don’t you?” way. Try it in more of a “How does that feel, baby?” You don’t have to say ‘baby’, but if you’re balls deep, why not treat yourself? “How about if I go like this? OR like that? Oh, that feels better? Great, let’s do that for a while…”

Don’t assume just because they let you do it like that, that they like it like that. It’s often awkward or unfomortable to speak your needs during sex. Trust me on that one, I’ve had literally hundreds of disappointing sexual experiences. Ohhh, that’s not a flex. I should not say things like that out loud. Moving on. If you are having sex with soemone, have sex WITH them, as in, make it a team effort. Make sure they’re enjoying themselves as much as they can. 

And, incidentally, that doesn’t mean making it a race to see who can make the other one come first. Don’t make orgasms the point of having sex. It should be something fun and enjoyable, that MIGHT involve orgasms, but also might not. Good sex does not happen at crotch height. It’s a whole body thing, or it should be. If your approach to sex is to try one or two things that you know might work, finding the one that gets the other person closest to orgasm and then just hammering on that button until someone makes a mess all over the place, then you’re not really doing it right. 

Or, worse, just doing the things that will get you off and not really caring about the other person’s experience beyond “It feels good for me, so it must feel good for them too”. The idea that what you enjoy is what other people will enjoy isn’t necessarily true in any other part of life, so why would you think it was true in sex, one of the most intimate and personally-involved parts of our experience?

And I know there’s people thinking “Oh, I’m the Alpha, I’m billy big balls, I fuck however I want and those lucky bottoms that get to be involved are just grateful that it’s them I”m fucking, because even being involved in sex wioth me is an honour…” And I have three things to say to people like that: 

1 - fuck off.

2 - I’m happy to talk about the intricacies of healthy sub/dom relationships, but this is not the time and besides you wouldn’t hear me because your head is too far up your own arse, and 

3) fuck off again.

You know what that is, right? TOXIC MASCULINITY (my dad never hugged me). I”ll probably do whole episodes on the sub and dom thing, but generally, if you think that you’re more masculine because you’re putting your dick in someone else, then it might be time to re-evaluate your life, bbz.

I remember once flirting with a guy on Grindr ages ago, and things were getting a bit sexy. I mentioned how I was planning on blowing him, because well, basically because who doersn’t like having a dick in their mouth? It’s fun. I love that it’s a way we can show affection for one another. Just like “Hello, you seem nice, I am enjoying your company, would you mind awfully if I just popped your genitals in my mouth for a while? Lovely, thanks very much nom nom nom”. It’s lovely. So wholesome.

I think, in world where handshakes aren’t allowed anymore, this is a nice way of saying how good it is to see someone again, or whatever. Not sure if it works for business agreements and contracts and stuff, but I suppose “A Gentleman’s Agreement could easily be “we sucked on it” “you mean you shook on it?” “Nope.”

Anyway. So I was telling this young man that I would like to blow him. And his response was “I thought you were a top? What kind of top sucks dicks? Have some self-respect!” 

And there’s a lot to unpack there. But I’m not his therapist, so I just rolled my eyes, told him my boner had shrivelled and then blocked him. 

I remember when my friends Dan and Matt got married a few years ago, one of the straight guests asked who was the man and who was the woman, and I had to slowly explain to them that, they were both men. Otherwise it would be quite boring. “Yeah, but you know what I mean, who’s Arthur and who’s Martha?” And I looked at him again and explained that they were Dan and Matt.

The idea that A Top only sticks his dick in people, that anything else is somehow harming his masculinity is a bit sad really. 

Besides, ‘top’ and ‘bottom’ are verbs, not nouns. They’re doing-words, not names. This seems like a silly language thing, but itr’s important. Defining yourself as one thing because of a tiny aspect of what sex is can be very limiting - like the example I mentioned - that muppet who has too much self respect to suck a dick isn’t thinking “would I like to lick a willy?” “Is there enjoyment to be had for me if a boner happens in my mouth?” he’s thinking “A TOP puts willy in people. A TOP does not have wiklly put into him. I am A TOP, therefore I cannot enjoy your delicious penis and anyone who does is not A Top like what I am. They are DOING IT WRONG.

You’re not A Top, you’re someone who likes To Top. You’re not A Bottom, you’re a someone who likes to be a naughty little cock pig who wants fucking until he squeals.