Oct. 20, 2019



What do your nudes say about you? Is there an art to getting your willy out?

What do your nudes say about you? How do OnlyFans 'models' keep it interesting? Is there an art to getting your willy out? Discover the difference between penis pics and nudes with The Probably True Guide. Including notes on grooming, lighting, and the three Forbidden Positions of genital photography.

Stories of queer life and even queer-er sex. 

Always interesting, definitely amusing, Probably True - the repeatedly-award-winning, slightly filthy storytelling project tackling LGBTQ issues in a fun and engaging way. 

Much like its creator, it is a smutty-but-charming collection of personal misadventures working to make the world a better place, one silly, sexy story at a time.  

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Does anyone actually like getting dick pics? I can’t be the only one who gets a load of nob pics off strangers before they’ve even said hello. This is on the apps, obviously, not like on the bus, or just walking down the street… Worse is bumhole pics. No-one ever needs to see that, unless it’s rapidly approaching their face, and by then you’ve had the chance to get acquainted. Probably. Not judging. Sometimes stuff just happens and you can’t help but bury your face in the pert little bum of… Where was I?

Oh, yeah. Dick pics. I don’t know anyone who actually enjoys getting them.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those pretentious ‘sapiosexual’ tosspots, but… There’s just something so ultimately disappointing about them. Yeah, great, it’s a dick. It’s going to look just like all the others I’ve seen, so there’s no need to send it to me. Unless it’s hideously deformed and DOESN’T look like any other dick I’ve ever seen, in which case I DEFINITELY don’t want to see it and you should see a doctor. Seriously. Penis cancer is a thing. Get it checked out by a professional.

I think the disappointing thing comes mostly from them being unsolicited. I can be quite happily chatting away with someone on Grindr, having a flirt, things are getting cheeky and then PING <soandso sent you an image> and at that point I generally just roll my eyes. I know what it’s going to be without opening it.

Maybe it’s because they’re all so generic. The pictures, I mean, not just the dicks. 

To prove this, I will now present to you The Probably True Official Guide to Sending Dick Pics. The fact that I can use a purely audio medium to talk about something entirely visual and be fairly certain that you’re all going to follow exactly what I’m talking about is my point. They’re just. So. generic. 

Right. There’s like three different positions that guys go for. 

1 - The close-up. With the camera close enough that the dick takes up the whole of the screen on my phone. As if that’ll somehow make me think “Oh, wow, it’s so big, it fills up the screen of my phone!” when really I’ll be thinking “Yes, a penis. I wonder how much he zoomed in.”

2 - The under-and up. This one is actually quite difficult to pull off, which is odd because it’s not really worth the bother. Essentially, it’s when the camera is between the guy’s legs, looking back up the body. So the dick is in the foreground, looking massive and imposing, with two massive hairy beanbags just below it, and then off in the distance you might see a nipple and beyond that, ona clear day, the face of the owner, trying not to look like he’s struggling to hold the position properly. Again, misleading in terms of size, etc. as the perspective is all wonky, also, since the underneath of the dick goes right back to the bumhole, it can look a lot longer than it does from a more natural. This one’s a favourite for those with smaller dongs, as it’s often hard to tell.  

3 - The sink. This one is pretty straight forward. Bathroom. Standing in front of the mirror over the sink. Dick just whapped out onto either the sink. Bit lazy, especially if the guy is still fully dressed and has just opened his fly. Acceptable is he’s naked, just for the full body nude. Generally favoured by those with more to show off, but who want you to notice on your own.

I think it’s time to outlaw those three poses. They’re done. They’re boring. And most importantly of all, they’re not sexy. Your biggest sexual organ is your mind. Unless you’re that one stripper I saw once in a bar in New York. Sweet jesus, that thing was down to his knee. No, focus, Scott.

Yes. Your brain is your biggest sexual organ. You need something that’s going to get your brain hard as well as your dick. Get the imagination juices flowing as well as the sticky ones. It’s better to tease, to prolong the reveal, to keep someone guessing, because that’s where the intrigue is. 

It’s like those models who do OnlyFans accounts, where you pay so much a month and they send you ‘intimate’ photos. It’s not just a dik pic, in fact, it’s almost never a dick pic, because once you’ve seen it properly, you’ll stop paying. They keep it up (heh) by never quite giving you what you want. It’s cheeky glimpses, well-positioned shadows, wearing undies in the shower and taking photos as the water cascading down their firm, taught flesh slowly makes the fabric turn semi-transparent, revealing the contours and shapes under the 

Just whapping it out and sending the first half-hearted pic you take isn’t good enough. It amazes me when I see guys who’ll take 500 million identical photos of their face, taking time to find the light, check that every hair is where they want it, they’re pulling the right expression, all that shit, but then will send you the laziest, most generic dick pic imaginable. From now on, anyone who doesn’t put some effort into their nudes gets blocked. No-one needs a dick pic at all, but if you’re going to send one, put the effort in.

For example: Grooming. I’m not saying you have to shave, or be hairless, or even trim it short. If you want a nice big bush, then go ahead. Personally, I’m not a fan of rummaging through a hedgerow looking for a hotdog, but that’s not what I mean. Just like if you have a beard, not shaving isn’t the same as not grooming. There are important differences between a look that says “I take care of my appearance, and I have chosen to look like this” and “I live in a ditch and shout at clouds.”

It’s the same for body hair all over, really. Shave it, grow it, put it in little plats if you like, but try and be consistent, or at least contextual with your pubes. If you’re waxed within an inch of your life to the waist and it’s like you’re wearing a pair of furry trousers from there down, it’s going to look a little odd. Or the opposite - hairy man, proud and fluffy apart from a small clearing in the crotchal area, with the willy poking out. As if, somehow, there’s been one very odd crop circle that just happens to contain your willy.

It’s not just the body hair, though, there’s so much more to it than that. Think about the composition of your dick pics - are you going to be soft, semi or stonking? I suggest semi. A soft cock looks a bit strange, just sort of hanging there, looking a bit sad and shrivelled, and a great big throbbing boner gives the game away. Whereas with a semi, it looks a bit more interesting, and you’re showing off the potential without giving the game away as the recipient will still have to use their imagination to guess at what the full thing will look like. 

On top of this, check the lighting. Check your angles. Fuck it, try a filter. There aren’t any specifically designed for foreskin, but give it a go, and delete the ones that don’t work. No-one else has to see them if they look crap. 

Put some effort in - you could create a still-life style image with a bowl of fruit, except, what’s that? It’s not a banana after all!

Or the Mr Darcy-style wet clothes thing is always good. 

Or go the sci-fi route: Find some brightly-coloured condoms and pretend it’s a lightsabre. If there’s two (or more, why not) of you, then recreate the Darth Vader/Obi-Wan battle from Star Wars. If you strike me down, I shall do this om nom nonomnom

So, yeah. Shift from dick pics to nudes. From low-effort to putting the thought in to really show off all your best assets and get people wanting more.

Speaking of wanting more, I saw one of the hot guys from my gym on Grindr the other day. We’d been eye-banging one another for a while, and then he popped up on my Grindr, so we had a little chat. And flirt. And check each other out in the showers. Well, I say “check each other out”. What I mean is “I stare pretty much nonstop at him and his sexy body.” He noticed and didn’t immediately hide, so I’m counting that as a win. Can’t remember if I saw him checking me out because I was too busy perving and who cares he’s really hot and I’ve seen his bum.

Anyway. To start off the flirty chat, we were talking about workouts and shiz, because gymbros! Yeah! 

I asked him for some body pics. Y’know, for science. 

And he replied “Sorry, I don’t have any. I don’t take nudes.” Which was, oddly refreshing. If a little hard to believe. If I looked like him naked, I’d be posting pictures of it everywhere. It would be my Twitter picture. It would be the new logo for the podcast. I’d have it printed on business cards but instead of my contact details, the other side would just say “I know right?”. 

But he doesn’t use nudes at all, and that’s really refreshing. After all, your body is not a commodity - it’s not all you are, nor should it be the only thing that people find attractive or unattractive about you. You’re more than just your parts. And even if you’re just after a random hookup, you don’t have to be all anonymous and entirely unengaged about the whole thing. Be yourself  - a full person, not just a lump of meat. The sex I enjoy the most is necessarily that with the hottest body, but that with a guy that makes it fun. A bit of personality and an enjoyable time together is vastly preferable to just rubbing up against a stranger until something squirty happens. At that point, it’s just a wank, because you’re not WITH the other person, they just happen to be in the room while you’re off in your own head. In those situations, they’re not even really another person - they’re just hot window dressing while you think about something else in your own head. 

And that’s not fun. No-one wants to be your wanksock, pumped full of jizz then discarded immediately. 

So, you are not your body, and neither is the other person. Both of you, shockingly, are people. So, be people - either put some of your personality into your nudes to they show off more of you than just your flesh, or don’t send any at all, so that they can't help being attracted to you as a whole. That’s whole with a w. 

So, to sum up this guide to sending dick pics: Don’t.