From scanning your nethers to a cupboard full of dicks, here's a collection of thoughts about technology, sex, and the messy space where the two overlap.
From scanning your nethers to a cupboard full of dicks, here's a collection of thoughts about technology, sex, and the messy space where the two overlap. There's talk of vibrators, Alexa arranging booty calls, and how the Terminator can avoid social awkwardness. Star Trek, buttsex, and multiple copies of Jason Momoa, because what else is the Holodeck for?
Stories of queer life and even queer-er sex.
Always interesting, definitely amusing, Probably True - the repeatedly-award-winning, slightly filthy storytelling project tackling LGBTQ issues in a fun and engaging way.
Much like its creator, it is a smutty-but-charming collection of personal misadventures working to make the world a better place, one silly, sexy story at a time.
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Hello! This week’s episode is a bit different, as I was challenged to do an episode on Technology by Patreon subscribers Chris and Alfredo Carpinetti. Incidentally, they do a science-based podcast called The Astroholic, which I recommend highly. If you’d like to force me to do an episode on a subject of your choice, just sign up to the appropriate plan at Patreon.com/probablytrue.
In the meantime, please enjoy this contractual obligation brought to you by the Carpinetis and their lovely money.
I was reading the other day about a sex toy for ladies that adapts itself to your parts to make sure it’s ticking all your boxes, and tickling your fancy to the best possible degree. Which is a great idea. When you first buy it, do you need to set it to scan you, internally? Like, you turn it on, pop it in and there’s a muffled sort of whummwhumm ping! Noise as it checks out your hoohaa and adjusts itself to suit? Maybe you could set up individual profiles, like you can with high-tech weighing scales, or your desktop at work… “Scanning. Welcome back, Jennifer. Brace yourself.”
For a moment, I thought “I wonder if there’s a version for men?” then I realised there’s no need. Because guys will stick their dick in just about anything, so why bother putting all the effort into designing something specially? I tried to do a bit of research on this, and googled “penis stuck in” to see what came up. First thing was “can a penis get stuck in a vagina?” which is apparently enough of a worry for men out there that it’s the number one search term. Which seems like a bit existential for most horny men, who spend so long trying to get in there, but then, suddenly, the thought crosses their mind that, once they finally DO get it in there, what if they can’t get it out again? After that, the next two things people have apparently got their dicks stuck in were “drainpipe” and “cat”, which was when I decided to give up.
So, yeah, absolutely no point creating something that adapts to the specific dick in question when boys will quite literally fuck anything, up to and including household pets, and the house itself.
Authorities were advised to remove the drainpipe entirely, to stop this happening again.
There’s all sort of bits of kit designed specifically to help you get off.
You can buy Real Dolls with customisable body parts - want you synthetic girlfriend to have huge knockers? Choose a cracking pair of baps off the rack, as it were! Or you want to choose the shape and size of your Boy Doll’s penis? Have a wander around our nob closet, sir - let me know if you’d like to try one on for size!
And I know there’s a bit more to it than just stapling a blow-up doll and an Alexa to a milking machine, but if you think there aren’t a LOT of people out there working on this kind of thing, then you are severely mistaken.
There’s even interactive porn, which is usually just pervy Japanese games where you have to choose the right responses to get the characters to seduce one another, then watch the animation as they go at it. It’s a bit like a filthy choose your own adventure: “to tweak the left nipple, click here. To squeeze the right bumcheek, click here. To accidentally burp in their face while kissing, click here.” Y’know, all the usual stuff.
It’s not a big stretch to wire up some sensors to a fleshlight, and make a game where you have to fuck your way to the end of the level, changing rhythm and speed to match what’s happening… Y’know, play the game with your… joystick… And every time you finish a level the vibrations go up a notch or something. Nnnnnew hiiighscooree. I’m onnnnnn levellll fiiiiiize…
And since everything’s connected to the internet nowadays, you could have a league table of who’s theoretically the best in bed, for people who need that kind of validation. Or even a scan to determine your actual length and girth, so a virtual version of your own dick could be used in the games. The possibilities are endless, if a little bit sticky.
Maybe 3D printing is the answer - a fleshlight with a scanner inside so you hump away at your robowanker 4000 or whatever, and while you’re having your fun it can be creating a 3D replica of your dong. A thoughtful gift for lovers and friends - happy birthday, here’s my dick. Christ. I remember seeing you could put a bit of your cremated husband’s ashes in a dildo, so that he’d still be fucking you after death, BECAUSE THAT’S A NORMAL THING TO DO.
Although imagine combining the two and one day finding your nan has a 3D-printed nob in her bedside drawer, and she’s like “It’s the only thing I have left to remember your granddad… It’s his size, and there’s a bit of his ashes mixed in..”
That’s an episode of the Antiques Roadshow I would pay to watch.
There was an episode of Star Trek where Data, an Android, randomly ends up having sex with another crewmember. It was only one brief bit of dialogue as we realised what was going to happen, but I feel like they could have spent a whole episode on that alone. How does a robot fuck? Is it like a steam train piston? Just starting slow but building in speed and power? Can he change the size and shape of his dong to accommodate different things? DOES IT VIBRATE? Because if it doesn’t, then the designer missed a trick.
Personally though, I’m a bit wary about sticking my dick inside anything robotic. At least until the technology is perfected. I’m just worried it’s going to rip it off, or email it to everyone in my address book or something.
I think I’ll wait until we perfect Holodeck technology, like from Star Trek. I’ll just spend my time creating scenarios involving me, Jason Momoa and another Jason Momoa. Which would be great fun, until the end of my lovely fun activities. Because then I’d have to turn off the equipment and my holographic lovers would all vanish, probably accompanied by a splattering sound as all the fluids that had got everywhere suddenly landed on the floor.
So, yes. This is the sort of progress I’m all in favour of. But there’s some things done in the name of progress that are a bit iffy. There was a big thing in the news recently that scientists had ‘discovered’ that there is no one ‘gay gene’, no one little genetic thing that makes people gay, instead it’s a huge and extremely complicated mix of things, and there’s absolutly no way to tell via genetics. Probably millions of dollars worth of research, not to mention the time and effort involved, to ‘discover’ something that pretty much any LGBTQ person could have told them, if they’d just stopped to listen. Besides, the idea that there’s a little bit of genetic code that’s like Gay: off or Gay: on is truly stupid, since we know sexuality to be a lot more fluid than that, and this kind of thinking completely ignores all bi and pansexual people. Unless they think Gay is less a switch and more of a dimmer arrangement, like your living room lights when you’re trying to seduce someone. Like off and on isn;t enough. We need off, a little bit on for when we’re getting naked, that’s your bi and pansexuals, and very on for when I’m looking for my wallet to pay the nice young man, which is your big screaming woofters.
This whole branch of research makes me pretty uncomfortable, to be honest. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for finding out more and more about ourselves and the world around us, and finding a deeper understanding of everything and all that… BUT. I don’t think it matters . It’s like asking “Why are you so witty and talented and hung like a horse?” Dunno. I just am. Is enough of an answer. Not because I don’t think we should be scientifically curious about everything, but just because I don’t think it matters. Or it shouldn’t. It’s just that, I know, I know, that, for whatever reason, had scientists actually discovered something that did seem to be the reason people were LGBTQ, or whatever, someone somewhere would then say “Cool. How do we make it stop?”
But generally, I think progress is usually a good thing.
I’m looking forward to the next stage, when the system starts to anticipate what I need and make it happen for me. Like <I SEE FROM YOUR CALENDAR AND EMAILS THAT YOU’RE HAVING A BUSY DAY - WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO RUN A BATH AND ORDER YOUR FAVOURITE FOOD TO HELP YOU RELAX?> or <YOU SEEM STRESSED, JUDGING BY YOUR TONE AND HEARTRATE - WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO ORDER A TART SO YOU AND HE CAN BANG IT OUT?>
To be honest, it’s the step after that that I want. Where there are implants plugged directly into my brain and my body. The first one I’d go for would be Terminator Vision - not just able to see in the dark, but also facial recognition and stuff like that, so every time you saw someone, it would reel off details in your head about if you knew them, and where from, and what their names are, and that. This would certainly help me avoid situations like the one recently, where I was in a bar with a friend, and started chatting to this really cute guy. He was into it, and we were flirting and getting on super well, until I introduced myself. And he said, “Yes, I know. We’ve fucked. Twice.” And then walked off. I couldn’t even message him to apologise and offer to bang him a third time to make up for it, as I still can’t remember his name.
That wouldn’t be a problem if I had Terminator Vision. That would also be useful when it came to my personal spank bank, because I’d be able to select a memory, say, the last time I went to a sauna, and just beam it to my laptop to watch in full perv-o-vision. Or create a playlist of the top ten best shags I’ve had so far, or something.
I think if I were having brain implants, I’d have an autopilot mode built in as well, so I might wake up and find myself in the gym or something and my brain-chip would say something like “Good morning, boss! You had a gym session in your diary from 6.30 this morning, but you were only halfway through your sleep cycle so instead of waking you up, I just took over your muscles and did the exercise for you.”
I’d be fine with that, actually.
Although I suppose you’d have to have a sort of auto-response programmed, in case anyone tried to talk to you. You could just have your brain chip use your mouth to say “Hello. Scott’s currently asleep right now, and on autopilot. If the situation is an emergency, I can wake him up, but he might be grumpy. Otherwise, please leave a message and I’ll let him know once he wakes up”. Sort of like an out of office response, but for your brain.
Actually, that would be great if you fell asleep in the office. You could program your brain chip to just look busy while you had a nap. And if anyone spoke to you, just have my mouth say “Yup, that sounds good. Send me that in an email so I don’t forget about it, and I’ll get back to you.”
Maybe I could even get it to do my podcasts for me while I sleep too. Although I doubt it would be able to capture quite the same erudite wit and charming filth that my conscious brain evidently can.