Squirt

I think I’ve mentioned before that there’s a student halls not far from my flat. For the record, I didn’t know that before I moved in, but I’m certainly not complaining. It’s always nice to log into Grindr and have a flirty chat with some random twink at 3 in the afternoon because he’s just woken up and has the hangover horn.

This was all back in the before-times, obviously. Grindr being a howling void of drug-fuelled, dead-eyed party boys who didn’t care about catching something nasty as long as they got dicked down by a stranger was bad enough before social distancing. I don’t want to think about what it’s like right now. 

Anyway, back before the world ended, I was talking to a cute boy, about 20, and we were flirting and talking about sex, because that’s always fun. 

He was telling me some story about how occasionally a shag of his who lives in the same halls will just pop round to his room unannounced for ‘surprise sex’, which is apparently great fun for them, and, importantly, completely consensual. 

Now, I’m a very practical person. I can rewire a plug without checking a tutorial on youtube or phoning my dad or anything. And first off, consensual surprise sex just sounds like it’s going to be inconvenient. I might be eating, or busy doing some work, or something like that. I like a bit of notice, is what I’m saying. But apparently that keeps it hot, because he’s just on his toes the whole time. At least, he’s on his toes when he’s not on his back. And y’know, fine. They’re both into it, so that’s all that really matters, they don’t need approval from me or anyone else.

The other thing I was thinking was that in my experience, it’s best to let someone know if you’re going to be knocking on their back door, so to speak, so that they can take a minute to tidy up the hallway, as it very much were. 

And I tried to not say anything. I tried. But sometimes questions like that, it doesn’t matter how much you push them away and move on, it just sits there, waiting, insisting it gets let out. 

So, I had to ask, “Do you just have to excuse yourself for a few minutes to have a quick douche?” and he replied “What’s a douche?” 

The boy is 19, 20 years old, and having plenty of sex. It’s his bedsheets I feel sorry for.

So, just in case there’s anyone else out there, who’s not sure what I’m on about, and get sall their sex education from porn, here’s the key insight you need: Bums aren’t just for sex. They’re also, occasionally, for poo. Most gay porn videos don’t show the sheer amount of effort that a good bottom, especially one in the porn industry, will go through to make it look completely effortless. But there is a lot of effort, you just don’t see it.

So, unless you’re into a very specific kink, it’s best not to get bumsex and poo mixed up.

So, to ensure there’s no crossover between those two very different uses for bums, the owner of said bum might want a bit of time beforehand to squirt a bit of water up there, and wash everything out. 

Well, not everything. It’s a bit like when you’re on a video call for work or someone is coming round for a coffee - you only need to clean up the bits they’re going to see. No need to go through every cupboard and clear out every room, just… just the bits that’re involved. 

So if you bring a guy home unexpectedly and he says “I need a quick shower” or “can I use your bathroom real quick?” that’s what he’s doing. Your job, if it’s your flat but not your bum, is to not ask questions, and let them get on with it. While it’s happening, you can put some music on. Make sure your bed’s made. Hide any dirty laundry. All that sort of thing. They’re dealing with internal tidying up, you can deal with the external cleaning up.

There’s specialist equipment you can buy - although I remember someone telling me “Nah mate, you don’t need special equipment, just a toilet, a bottle of Evian and a moment of courage.” Personally, I wouldn’t do that, but it’s your bum, you do you.

The specialist equipment I’m on about is a rubber bulb thing, about the size of your fist, with a little nozzle on the end. You fill this bulb thing up with warm water (you can use cold if you need waking up, I suppose. Jesus.) pop the little nozzle in there and give it a squirt. I like to think that, at that point, you do a little dance, give it a bit of a jiggle to make sure you’re cleaning out all the corners. It’s that or a bottle brush, I suppose.

Some people do like to go a lot further, and give the whole house a proper cleaning, though. That’s why occasionally a friend of mine tweets things like “One of these days I’m going to have to explain to my straight housemates why I occasionally leave the shower head off”...

Anyway. Doing a more thorough wash-out like that takes longer. I found that out when I was with a guy, we were going at it, both of us having a lovely time and things were going well until he went “Slow down! You’re going to make me cum!” I thought that was the point, I said, and he replied “Yeah, but not yet - it took me half an hour to get the water to run clear - I want to make sure it was worth it.”

If that’s the sort of problem you have, by the way, consider buying some fibre pills. They help all of your poo come out in one go, so there’s less bits left behind. A couple of those with a pint of water every day and you’ll find everything moves along much more easily.

This, by the way, is another reason why it’s bad juju to cancel on a bottom at the last minute. If you’ve arranged a boning in advance, then a good bottom will have been preparing. They’ll have eaten less, had a good wash, put a towel down and generally put a lot of effort into making sure everything goes smoothly. Tops, on the other hand, think that they can just rock up, slap it in there, and jiggle it around a bit. Or cancel ten minutes after they say they’ll arrive because they don’t understand how much effort went into the getting ready. Don’t be that guy. 

And I know a lot of people are going to be all “uuurgh! Gross!” about all of this. But, it’s just how it is. Sex is messy. For everyone. 

And no-one was calling it gross in the 90s when the straights ‘discovered’ doucheing but rebranded it. They called it ‘Colonic Irrigation’. Then, suddenly, it was the best thing for your health and a whole new way to live longer and laugh with a salad and all that. But when it’s about the gays getting their rocks off, it’s gross and wrong and dirty.

Actually, that’s not exactly true. I spoke to someone with a vagina and apparently it’s worse for them. She’s Canadian, bless her, but she’s making the best of it. Anyway, she told me that in the US they have a LOT of ads for ‘intimate hygeine products’ that are essentially to wash out the lady parts. 

All those “Mom, do you ever feel… Less than fresh… Down there?” Because “Fresh” is the description you want for lady parts, isn’t it? She was an utter cowbag, but credit where it’s due, she kept a very fresh minge.”

Which, I’m told, is bad for them, generally. I haven’t a clue, but she told me that they’re a lot like self-cleaning ovens, in that you don’t need to do anything to mess them about, just leave them and let them do their own thing, and pop a baguette in whenever you feel the need. 

It’s not just the “fresh” feeling that these things have going for them. They’re perfumed, too, so while some lucky young man is working his way up your inner thigh, he gets treated a waft of pine, or new car smell or something, like you were on your way over, felt a little “Less than fresh” and just grabbed a tree-shaped air freshener when your Uber Driver wasn’t looking and shoved it up yer chuff.

I’m trying to think what the equivalent perfumes for men would be, if there was ever a market for scented bum-doucheing. Lynx Africa, maybe? BBQ Sauce? I shouldn’t joke, since bacon-flavoured lube is a real thing that you can actually buy.

Obviously staying clean is a good thing. But pretending your body doesn’t smell like a body is just daft. We’re animals. The smells are designed to work and get us more in the mood. Personally, I’m a big fan of the smell of balls. Gets me going every time. And I’ve walked home from dates or random hookups with a smell of dick on my hands before. It’s great. I wish it would stay around a bit longer.

Anyway. Regular hygiene is important. So is not getting poo everywhere when you’re doing bum stuff. 

Sometimes, of course, it’s unavoidable, because it’s a body thing. It’s not gross or weird or worth reacting badly over, it’s just a body thing that we all have to deal with when we’re doing some fun stuff.

As one guy put it, years ago “Love is just grabbing a wet wipe for a quick clean, then just carrying on”.