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April 27, 2020

Stand

Stand

Someone ruined sex for me, and now I'm doing the same for you.


Someone ruined sex for me, and now I'm doing the same for you.

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Some thoughts on hair growth during lockdown, a moment of asking for money, followed by part of a recent standup comedy routine I performed online with Strange Brew Comedy (https://www.facebook.com/strangebrewcomedynight/).

 


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Transcript

If you look at any photos of me online, you’ll probably be able to tell that I usually keep everything trimmed and neat. Sometimes I go to the barber, but it’s pretty easy to have a quick going-over with the clippers every couple of weeks to keep myself presentable. But, since we’re all locked down and I’m effectively stuck in my flat by myself for a few months, I thought I’d let it all grow out and see how it looked all bushy and silken. That way, if it looked particularly bad, no-one would see it but me, and I could deal with it before being let back out into the world. The most shocking thing, the thing I wasn’t prepared for at all was the sheer amount of grey in there. It was quite the memento mori - every time I looked in the mirror, I caught a glimpse of a tuft of grey and with it a constant reminder of my own ageing. It got a bit much, especially as it got bigger and bushier and more obvious, so I shaved it all off. It was that or dye it blonde, and I don’t think I can pull that off.

Anyway, enough about my ear hair.

Do you remember, a couple of weeks ago when I was talking about how the world had ended and being lucky enough to have a job in the middle of all of it wasn’t that great, as it just meant I had to pretend to work AND pretend not to fall apart at the same time?

Well, you’ll never guess what happened! The universe was obviously listening and has conspired to lift one of those burdens from my shoulders. Admittedly, it has replaced it with several other burdens, such as paying rent on time, but at least I don’t have to look at spreadsheets all day any more. 

So, with that in mind, writing anything funny and filthy and not at all related to The Rona has been a bit of a challenge. So this week, I’m going to share part of a stand-up set I did a couple of weeks ago as part of a virtual comedy night. I hope you enjoy it.

As always, if you find value or enjoyment in any of these podcasts what I do, please support me on Patreon - just search for Probably True. Think of it as buying me a cup of coffee. You’ll REALLY be helping me out. If money is a little tight for you, too, then one thing you can do that won’t cost you any money is tell some friends. Anyone with a dirty mind, or a love of dick jokes, or even someone who needs ot learn what it’s like for LGBTQ people out here in the world, just find an episode you think they’ll like and share the fuck out of it. It really does help.

Because, after all, I’m just a boy, standing in front of the internet, asking it to send me money

One of my friends actually recently ruined part of sex for me. In a different way, I mean. He still had his clothes on and everything. He said something that has stuck with me since and now I can’t get it out of my head when things are happening, so now I’m going to do the same to you, because fuck it. If I have to suffer, so do you.

He said “What are you supposed to do with your hands when someone is giving you a blowjob?” and it’s like if someone says to you “Why are you walking like that?” when you’re walking perfectly normally. All of a sudden you forget how to do it, because you don’t normally think about it, things just happen and you go along with it.

It was like that, but for blowjobs. The most I thought about it, the worse it got, because after that, I was like “Do I put my hands behind my head? No, that’s seems all douchey, like I’m laying back, essentially saying ‘Ah, yes, I deserve this. Be about your business, and don’t forget about the twins!’” So that seems wrong.

And I don’t like being the guy putting his hand on the back of your head. No-one liked being micro-managed. He knows what he’s doing, just let him get on with it. And I really dislike it when guys start really. Ramming. Your head down on their dick. You’re down there, doing your thing, like om nom nom  and suddenly it’s like something about of an Alien movie and a little pink xenomorph is about to burst out the back of your skull.

OR, worse, they shove it right onto your gag reflex. Don’t do that unless we’ve discussed it and I’m expecting it. Otherwise you’ll end up with me puking all over your crotch. And no-one wants that. It’s never the sign of a good night if you’re picking b §§its of carrot out of your pubes. Or getting your clitoris clogged with a bit of half-digested mushroom.

Can you clog up a clitoris? I certainly can’t. Not a clue. So, anyway, I’ve decided the best thing to do with your hands during a blowjob: Clap. Give them a little round of applause as they’re going at it. Nice, non-verbal way of knowing if they’re getting it right. If if goes well, then the applause moves from a gentle to more of an enthusiastic. And if they’re not doing as good as job, it can move towards the golf clap sort of a thing. 

Give it a try next time you’re at it and see how it goes down. Goes down lol.

I think I prefer non-verbal things when it comes to sex. Some people like a lot of dirty talk. It can be like a filthy Jakanory while you’re down there doing your thing. Which is nice, but sometimes a bit offputting. One guy got really into the story but he finished before the story did and I was genuinely gutted to not find out what happened.

Also, I’m from Yorkshire, and one of the very first sexual experiences I ever had was a with another Yorkshire boy. Things were happening, everyone was having a nice time and he decided to whisper in my ear. IT’s stuck with me, these past 20 years or so. It’s never going to leave me. 

His mouth was next to my ear and he whispered “By ‘eck, that’s luvleh!” Soemtimes in the middle of the night I wake up hearing it. And I’ll be like !!

Although I think the worst thing anyone’s ever said to me was after a BJ. I was down there, doing my thing, omnomnomnom, everything went the way it was supposed to, because I am very good at it. Seriously, I suck so good, you might lose a filling.

So, anyway, everythig  happened the way it was supposed to, and as I was working my way back up to his face, wiping my chin on his bedsheets, that sort of thing, he said “Oh, that was good. Did you cum too?”

Did I cum too? Sure, buddy. Why not?

And I’m thinking “Yeah, I came… I came to the wrong house.”.