The 100th episode of Probably True!
In celebration of the 100th episode of Probably True, here are a few weird euphemisms for sex that I found while doing my research. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.
Stories of queer life and even queer-er sex.
Always interesting, definitely amusing, Probably True - the repeatedly-award-winning, slightly filthy storytelling project tackling LGBTQ issues in a fun and engaging way.
Much like its creator, it is a smutty-but-charming collection of personal misadventures working to make the world a better place, one silly, sexy story at a time.
See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.
This week’s Patreon compliments go to:
Bryan Williamson, who is the kind of person that, after spending time with them, you come away thinking “That was lovely. We should do that again sometime” and actually meaning it.
And Robbie Paul-Stone has the kind of infectious laugh that, once you hear it, you can’t help but join in and have a giggle.
Get your own compliment by signing up at Patreon.com/probablytrue
Also, to the lovely person from China who sent me a message via my website, I tried to respond but I think there was a typo in your email address - please get in touch again and I’ll reply as quickly as I can.
It’s finally here: The 100th episode of Probably True! <toot toot>
Right. Bit of a weird one this week, as I’m halfway down a bottle of bad wine. Well, I think it’s wine. It’s either really bad wine or really good vinegar. Either way, it was on special offer and I’m going to finish it off just like I finished your boyfriend off last night.
Which is to say quickly, and while trying not to think about the taste.
I had planned a proper event for this. In a bar somewhere, a bit of a party, a live recording and maybe some handsome men not wearing much. Instead I’m in my cupboard, alone, naked and hungover.
Just like every other episode, I suppose. Maybe episode 109 will be the live one, coming to you from some room above a pub somewhere… It’s not happening this month, and that’s ok.
But focusing on what didn’t happen isn’t the kind of person I want to be, so let’s look at what has been achieved over the past 4 and a bit years:
Over 20 hours of audio, more than 134 thousand words from my mouthpipe to your earballs. That’s enough for a couple of books.
(And yes, I am keen to turn some of these into books. If you are or if you know a queer publisher or similar, please point them at me.)
Mostly, after all of this, I want to say thankyou. Thankyou all for listening, for sharing with your friends, and all those other things.
Thanks to all of my Patreon subscribers, too. It means a lot to me that you recognise this as work that’s worth your support. And, maybe most importantly, thanks to them, I’ve been able to give upwards of £1,000 to LGBTQ charities and art projects. (That’s not a euphemism for OnlyFans, by the way. Proper arts projects, not just some tart getting his cock out for ten dollars a month.)
I want to add a thanks to my listeners in Mongolia. For some reason I was placing in the top 50 podcasts in the country for a solid few weeks.
And a special shout-out to Oren Lev, a dude in Jerusalem who translated episodes into Hebrew to use with transgender Israeli teenagers, which is amazing.
And to some of you, thanks for the bad dates, emotional damage, crap sex and everything else that inspired a rant, or a joke, or somehow else made it into a podcast episode. You’re all awful and I couldn’t have done it without you. Except I did.I did do it without you. So, don’t get any silly ideas about “sharing the profit”. Haha! Profit. What a concept.
I think 100 is a good place to pause, so once we’re done here I’m going to have a little rest, spend some time with my boyfriend… Ahhh, no. I’m probably going to rest a bit, work on some other projects and then come back in a couple of months with the next season. Maybe I’ll start a fucking OnlyFans so I don’t have to get a real job, or something.
Since it’s Pride Month, I’ll repeat a couple of relevant episodes over the next couple of weeks, but between now and the next series, maybe re-listen to a few of the older episodes. All of them. It helps my stats is you all just download every episode on continuous repeat. Forever.
So, until next time, remember:
You’re awesome. You’re loved. You have it in you to be an amazing person. Wash your hands. Take time for yourself. Set proper boundaries and keep to them. Wear a mask in public. You don’t owe anyone sex. Black lives matter. Other people’s opinions of you are none of your business. Trans lives matter. Try to wank a bit less. Try to listen a bit more. You don’t have to have sex unless you really want to. Cut toxic people out of your life, you’ll be glad you did. Listen more. Keep away from social media as much as you can. Exercise. Stretch. It’s better to be alone than to be in an unhappy relationship. Never trust a Tory. It’s good to have a cry sometimes. You are not alone. And never, ever, under any circumstances, fake an orgasm.
And now, to finish this special 100th episode (toot toot), here’s a list of weird euphemisms for sex that I found online and wanted to share. I shall read them in my best dramatic style.
A bit of “How’s yer father?”
Act of darkness
Assault with a friendly weapon
Baking the potato
Bending her over a barrel and showing her the fifty states
Bringing an al dente noodle to the spaghetti house
Bulging the back of the old onion bag
Burping the worm in the mole hole
Cleaning the cobwebs with the womb broom
Crashing the custard truck
Filling the fleshy eclair
Digging up the sand crab
Doing squat thrusts in the cucumber patch
Enraging the cave
Entangling the lower beards
Filling him out like an application
Getting a bellyful of marrow
Getting one’s Twinkie stinky
Getting some stank on the hang down
Harpooning the salty longshoreman
Signing up to his Patreon (this isn’t a real one, I just wanted to remind you all that I have a Patreon and I would like it very much if you signed up.)
Jerking it where he’s twerking it
Loading the clown into the cannon
Locking legs and swapping gravy
Making a magical sandwich
Putting the ferret in his meatlocker
Mashing the fat
Negotiating the forested chasm
Parking the beef bus in Tuna Town
Pressure-washing the quiver bone in the bitch wrinkle
Punch-fucking the rosebud
Rummaging in the cellar
Shooting the meat rocket into the sausage wallet
Spelunking the slime cave
Taking the bald-headed gnome for a stroll in the misty forest
Taking the magic bus to Manchester
Tickling his tummy from the inside
Violating the prime directive
Thankyou. I mean it. I don’t think I could ever say that enough. Now I’m out of wine, so go away.