Hundred

This week’s Patreon compliments go to:

Bryan Williamson, who is the kind of person that, after spending time with them, you come away thinking “That was lovely. We should do that again sometime” and actually meaning it.

And Robbie Paul-Stone has the kind of infectious laugh that, once you hear it, you can’t help but join in and have a giggle. 

Get your own compliment by signing up at Patreon.com/probablytrue

Also, to the lovely person from China who sent me a message via my website, I tried to respond but I think there was a typo in your email address - please get in touch again and I’ll reply as quickly as I can.

It’s finally here: The 100th episode of Probably True! <toot toot>

Right. Bit of a weird one this week, as I’m halfway down a bottle of bad wine. Well, I think it’s wine. It’s either really bad wine or really good vinegar. Either way, it was on special offer and I’m going to finish it off just like I finished your boyfriend off last night. 

Which is to say quickly, and while trying not to think about the taste.

Anyway.

I had planned a proper event for this. In a bar somewhere, a bit of a party, a live recording and maybe some handsome men not wearing much. Instead I’m in my cupboard, alone, naked and hungover.

Just like every other episode, I suppose. Maybe episode 109 will be the live one, coming to you from some room above a pub somewhere… It’s not happening this month, and that’s ok.

But focusing on what didn’t happen isn’t the kind of person I want to be, so let’s look at what has been achieved over the past 4 and a bit years:

Over 20 hours of audio, more than 134 thousand words from my mouthpipe to your earballs. That’s enough for a couple of books.

(And yes, I am keen to turn some of these into books. If you are or if you know a queer publisher or similar, please point them at me.)

Mostly, after all of this, I want to say thankyou. Thankyou all for listening, for sharing with your friends, and all those other things. 

Thanks to all of my Patreon subscribers, too. It means a lot to me that you recognise this as work that’s worth your support. And, maybe most importantly, thanks to them, I’ve been able to give upwards of £1,000 to LGBTQ charities and art projects. (That’s not a euphemism for OnlyFans, by the way. Proper arts projects, not just some tart getting his cock out for ten dollars a month.)

I want to add a thanks to my listeners in Mongolia. For some reason I was placing in the top 50 podcasts in the country for a solid few weeks. 

And a special shout-out to Oren Lev, a dude in Jerusalem who translated episodes into Hebrew to use with transgender Israeli teenagers, which is amazing.

And to some of you, thanks for the bad dates, emotional damage, crap sex and everything else that inspired a rant, or a joke, or somehow else made it into a podcast episode. You’re all awful and I couldn’t have done it without you. Except I did.I did do it without you. So, don’t get any silly ideas about “sharing the profit”. Haha! Profit. What a concept.

I think 100 is a good place to pause, so once we’re done here I’m going to have a little rest, spend some time with my boyfriend… Ahhh, no. I’m probably going to rest a bit, work on some other projects and then come back in a couple of months with the next season. Maybe I’ll start a fucking OnlyFans so I don’t have to get a real job, or something.

Since it’s Pride Month, I’ll repeat a couple of relevant episodes over the next couple of weeks, but between now and the next series, maybe re-listen to a few of the older episodes. All of them. It helps my stats is you all just download every episode on continuous repeat. Forever.

So, until next time, remember:

You’re awesome. You’re loved. You have it in you to be an amazing person. Wash your hands. Take time for yourself. Set proper boundaries and keep to them. Wear a mask in public. You don’t owe anyone sex. Black lives matter. Other people’s opinions of you are none of your business. Trans lives matter. Try to wank a bit less. Try to listen a bit more. You don’t have to have sex unless you really want to. Cut toxic people out of your life, you’ll be glad you did. Listen more. Keep away from social media as much as you can. Exercise. Stretch. It’s better to be alone than to be in an unhappy relationship. Never trust a Tory. It’s good to have a cry sometimes. You are not alone. And never, ever, under any circumstances, fake an orgasm.

And now, to finish this special 100th episode (toot toot), here’s a list of weird euphemisms for sex that I found online and wanted to share. I shall read them in my best dramatic style.

A bit of “How’s yer father?”

Act of darkness

Assault with a friendly weapon

Baking the potato

Bedroom rodeo

Bending her over a barrel and showing her the fifty states

Bringing an al dente noodle to the spaghetti house

Bulging the back of the old onion bag

Burping the worm in the mole hole

Cave-diving

Clunge plunge

Cleaning the cobwebs with the womb broom

Crashing the custard truck

Filling the fleshy eclair

Digging up the sand crab

Doing squat thrusts in the cucumber patch

Enraging the cave

Entangling the lower beards

Filling him out like an application

Four-legged foxtrot

Getting a bellyful of marrow

Getting one’s Twinkie stinky

Getting some stank on the hang down

Harpooning the salty longshoreman

Signing up to his Patreon (this isn’t a real one, I just wanted to remind you all that I have a Patreon and I would like it very much if you signed up.)

Interior redecorating

Jerking it where he’s twerking it

Loading the clown into the cannon

Locking legs and swapping gravy

Making a magical sandwich

Putting the ferret in his meatlocker

Mashing the fat

Negotiating the forested chasm

Parking the beef bus in Tuna Town

Pressure-washing the quiver bone in the bitch wrinkle

Punch-fucking the rosebud

Rumbusticating

Rummaging in the cellar

 Shooting the meat rocket into the sausage wallet

Spelunking the slime cave

Taking the bald-headed gnome for a stroll in the misty forest

Taking the magic bus to Manchester

Tickling his tummy from the inside

Violating the prime directive

Thankyou. I mean it. I don’t think I could ever say that enough. Now I’m out of wine, so go away.