Sept. 30, 2018



Why dry spells are a good thing. Sort of.

Porn plotlines, treating yourself and getting on the wagon. OR, Self improvement: You better work.

Stories of queer life and even queer-er sex.

Always interesting, definitely amusing, Probably True - the repeatedly-award-winning, slightly filthy storytelling project tackling LGBTQ issues in a fun and engaging way.

Much like its creator, it is a smutty-but-charming collection of personal misadventures working to make the world a better place, one silly, sexy story at a time. //  @ScottFlashheart

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Pfffft. Well, this is going to be a fun one, isn’t it?

Actually, one of my friends (yeah, I have friends. Three of them, in fact. I mean, I can’t stand two of them, but still. Three friends.) Anyway. He said to me recently that he thinks I talk about shagging too much. My first though it was Well, yes. That’s pretty much the basis of these lumps of filth I squirt into your ears every week. That’s a bit like calling in to Match of the Day to complain that they don’t talk about gardening, or being annoyed that the ‘electrician’ in the porn you’re watching isn’t wearing the right kind of insulated footwear. It’s… It’s not the point.

Incidentally, though, I do love watching porn for the plotlines. They’re hilarious. I mean, any two blank-eyed tarts can slap jiggly bits together, but it takes an awkward script and some weird dialogue to really make it shine. I love it when they try and shoehorn in a weirdly overdeveloped plot into the two lines of dialogue before the boning starts. Y’know, the kind of “But dude, what’re you doing? You’re my sister’s husband, and she’s in the next room, sleeping after the long flight you both took to get to our family reunion. I know your marriage is on the rocks at the moment since you don’t want to have a baby and she does, but if she finds out about this she’ll kill us both!” and then the other guy just grabs his ass or something and then they go at it. 

It’s like the writer wanted to do a huge moving piece of deep and nourishing cinema, and the Director gave it one look and went “Nope. Just the bumming, thankyou.”

What was I talking about? Oh, yeah. So much shagging in these podcasts.

But then, the more I thought bout it, the more I realised my friend had a bit of a point. Which surprised me a little, because up to now, the best thing that came out of his mouth was a dick. 

So, yeh, I do talk a lot about shagging, but it’s important to note that I’m giving you the highlights of a fairly slutty but mostly mediocre sexual career. I’ve put the work in to talk like this with you. Like, 20 years worth. Fuck me. 20 years of banging distilled into these strange 10-minute stories. 

So yeah, you might think that someone as handsome, charismatic, handsome, witty, and handsome as me would be wearing out bedsprings faster than shoe leather, but it’s not true. Even sex-gods like me with nobs that would scare horses have dry spells. And, to be honest, it’s a good thing.

No-one wants to be constantly banging. For one thing, you’d get sore. However much lube you use, and let’s just take a moment to thank those good people whose job it is to keep things slippy and slidey, whether it’s with added Aloe Vera or unicorn tears or whatever, the human body can only take so much dick.

We’ve all daydreamed about walking into a cake shop, ordering one of everything and then just rolling around in it, eating our way out like a huge, human caterpillar (at least, I hope that’s not just me…. Right?) but in reality, after the first couple of eclairs you’re going to feel a bit sick. And if you just keep eating, your foot will drop off from diabetes. Which in this metaphor is an STI or something. Doesn’t matter. Shut up.

 My point is, it’s the same with sex. The fantasy of getting nailed by an entire rugby team is much more fun than the reality would be. In the real world, you’d be knackered after the first two or three of those huge, sweaty, beefy men threw you against the lockers and had his way with you. The smell of the lockeroom in your nostrils as his powerful thighs start thrusting and

Pffft. Hm? Oh.

Yeah. There’s so much pressure on people to be constantly shagging. Especially in the queer community. It seems to be a thing that if you’re not being hugely promiscuous, you’re doing it wrong. Like, there’s this stereotype that single gay men are all super promiscuous and happy about it. But the truth is, you don’t need to be having loads of sex. It’s up to you to be responsible for your own happiness. Don’t look to other people or society in general to tell you, because every single time you do that, you’ll get someone trying to sell you something. And happiness isn’t something to be bought, or even found elsewhere - it comes from inside. And I don’t mean the kind of inside that involves grabbing your ankles or moaning into a pillow.

So, yeah. Never feel that you have to have sex, or that you’re somehow doing it wrong if you don’t want to. Your sex life is your business. And yes I am having something of a dry spell myself at the moment. But it’s mostly through choice. And yes, that’s my choice before you start writing your own jokes. I’m taking some time out because I’m currently in a place where I don’t enjoy random shagging. Just the other day I had a very attractive young man in my bed and I had to stop and say “Sorry, I’m not really in the mood for this at the moment…”  

I remember when I was going through my particularly slutty stage. It was quite a long stage, tbh. About a decade, I think. A lot of the time, I wasn’t really enjoying the sex I was having. It was just sex had for the sake of it. And when it gets like that, it’s not fun. It wasn’t enjoyable. And after a while you’re going to end up just pushing rope. I’m not saying have less sex, just make sure you’re enjoying the sex you have. Be as slutty as you want to be, not as slutty as you think you should be, or because it’s expected of you. Being sex-positive means being positive about not having sex, too. 

In fact, taking time out of whatever you love is a big part of anyone’s self-care. Whether it’s cock, or cake, or beer, or weed, or whatever. If you’re having it all the time, you’re not looking after yourself. That’s not self-care. You’re over-indulging and there’s probably because there’s something deeper going on that you don’t want to deal with. 

On TV and stuff, self-care is often things like spa days and facials and massages and shit like that, and while something like that is a way to do something nice for yourself, it’s not what true self-care is. Sometimes it’s spending a day in bed watching sad movies and having a good cry. Sometimes it’s just not being around people. But the main part, and the part you don’t see on TV is looking critically at your actions and thinking about how you could modify your behaviour in the future.

For example, let’s say you go to a party, get silly drunk, tell someone their boyfriend is WAY out of their league and then try to take said boyfriend home with you. For example. Not saying that that’s a real thing that happened, but it certainly sounds like it might be, doesn’t it?

A sitcom or whatever would have you believe that the best kind of self-care after that is to ‘treat’ yourself to something nice and try to forget about what a tit you made of yourself. True self-care would be sitting down with yourself, examining that behaviour and trying to find out what was going on in your head to make you think that that was a good idea in the first place. It’s all about examining your behaviours, being a little introspective and constructively self-critical, learning from things like that for the future. 

Not beating yourself up and going “Oh, what a fool I am, I can never show my handsome face again!” because that makes you into one of those social Mariahs. I think that’s the word. But also not saying “Oh my god, I’m so random. Lol. I don’t know why I did that!” and letting it slide without holding yourself to account. Because that’s what’s technically known as being a dick.

The key is, every day, to look at what you said and did, how you reacted to the things that happened to you and ask yourself “How can I do better? How can I be a better person tomorrow than I am today?” And the values attached to that come from within, so it’s up to you to decide what “a better person” means, and how you apply it. Just decide for yourself what that means, and then start moving toward it. Slowly, gently, but always towards being a better person.

It can be hard to look to yourself and your actions critically and realise that that wasn’t the best possible way you could have acted. Which is probably why on TV it’s all mimosas and cucumber slices over your eyes.

So, yeah. Indulge yourself sometimes, but also be ok with not. Have a dry spell. Give yourself permission to not be constantly chasing this unattainable ideal of a constant boner, or a constant high, or anything else. Take some time off, to just be with yourself and getting comfortable in your own company. It’s not forever. You don’t have to stay on the wagon forever. But being on that wagon helps you get some perspective and it also helps you enjoy the thing you like more.

And, if you’re anything like me, you’ll fall off the wagon and onto a naval base.

I could keep talking about this, but I feel like I’ve had enough, so I’m going to stop.