Threesome

Why wanting to be the most attractive person in the room isn't a great idea (and impossible, hopefully), as well as a weird and sticky idea for transport. 

Transcript

A friend of mine ruined threesomes for me the other day. Which was stupid, because she was saying how she’s never had one. And normally that would be enough reason to discount her opinions on the subject. But then she followed it up with “Yeah, I’ve never had one because I’d be worried I might be the least attractive of the three.” And that thought has been with me since. I’ve had to cancel almost all of the threesomes I had lined up this week.

No-one wants to be the least attractive person in a room, especially if that room is full of naked people going to town on each other.

It’s more pronounced in larger group sessions, I suppose. And it REALLY sucks when you’re in a room of six or seven naked, horny men, all of them going to town on one another and none of them wanted to do anything with you, no matter what you do. I imagine. That’s certainly never happened to me.

There’s always the sort of politics of making sure everyone’s getting enough attention, and also making sure you’re getting your fair share of time on the one you fancy the most. An doing your best to gently discourage or distract  someone that you’re really not that into…

Maybe this is the modern day equivalent of elegant society dances where you’re the blushing young debutante who’s itching for a twirl around the dancefloor with the eligible young bachelor, but also know you’re going to have to get through a couple of rounds of gentle shimmying and polite refusals for a foxtrot with some gammy old Duke with bad breath… Speaking as someone who has on occasion been the metaphorical equivalent of the Duke of Sexual Disinterest, don’t be a dick about it. You can say ‘no thankyou’ to a bumming from someone you don’t fancy without ruining their evening. Bitchy vibes bring the whole thing down.

But back to threesomes. Weird energy is always harder to deal with when there’s only three of you. I think because it’s just always there. You can’t just hide at the other end of the rimming train and hope someone else deals with it…

Anyway. Yeah. It can be a bit hit and miss with the energy in a threesome. Three random single men is always a little odd, as none of you really know each other so unless you’re all blackbelts in slutting like moi, it can be difficult to get right.

There’s always the worry that one of you is going to turn out to be mental and have a massive strop about you not tickling his nipples properly, or he insists on referring to it as his “boy pussy” or something equally revolting. Seriously. That phrase is guaranteed to make me throw up a little in my mouth and Mister Happy will become Mister Very Very Sad. If it’s possible to get an inverse erection, like, it curls up and tries to go back inside my body, then that phrase would be what triggers it. Ugh.

It’s much easier to get the energy right with two, because that’s pretty much the whole point of the ‘seduction’ and flirting thing.

It doesn’t always need to be the same, but it does need to be compatible. And sometimes it’s just not.  

There was a guy I hooked up with a couple of times, definitely more times than was necessary to work this out, but his energy was a lot more frantic than mine. He was always “Oh, yeah, do that, now this, now turn round, oh yeah, now on one leg…” It was confusing and exhausting, like getting your nob caught in a tumble dryer...

I heard someone on another podcast say that being in the middle of a threesome can be like being an accordion - you’re sort of being pushed and pulled from two different ends. Presumably there’s also lots of noises like honkyhonk.

Although if you do it right, perhaps it’s a bit more like one of those old railway carts with the levers - one of you on either side, going up and down in the right rhythm so you can get some speed up and sail along towards your destination. It’s the Jizztown Express, calling at Spunk Junction and Sorry About The Sheets-ville.

Anyway. Yes. It’s always much easier to be the third if the other two are a couple. They’ve been together a while, so they have their sexual vibes together, and unless they’re constantly bringing villagers back to the castle, they’ll also be a little more attentive and generally better-mannered. And as Samantha from Sex and The City taught us, it’s always better to be the guest star - you get more attention that way because the whole thing becomes about you. Which is nice, as long as the couple involved are actually quite emotionally grounded, and not just having a threesome because their relationship is basically dead and they’re hoping this will revive it. Sounds stupid, but I’ve known a few couples, let’s call them A and B, invite a third, C into their bed. Things go well for a while, perhaps they even get into some smug 21-century threeway relationship, but sooner or later, A and C are moving in together, and B is out on his ear.

It’s all about boundaries. Or it should be, maybe. It’s certainly more complicated than just slapping bits of flesh together. If you’re the guest star, it’s your job to be polite, attentive to both of your hosts as equally as possible, and to know when to find your pants and head for the door. If you’re a host, it’s important to know that it’s not going to fix any underlying problems in your relationship, and that the guest star is not auditioning to replace your significant other.

As I’ve not been in a relationship for long enough to get around to the inviting a third guy over, I’m not sure how I’d feel about it. Part of me likes to think that I’d be fine with it as long as I knew that my boy was connected to me on a much deeper level than he is to the random guy he’s currently making moan into a pillow, but I don’t know for sure.

To be honest, I have been on dates with a guy I’m really into and found myself getting really jealous and insecure about him talking to some other boy. The conversation tends to go a bit like Who’s that? Who’s he talking to? Does he know him? Why are they smiling so much? What did he say then? Calm down, he’s just the barman, Scott.

Y’know, I’ve been thinking more about this “not being the least attractive person in the room” scenario, and If you’re not the least attractive person in the room, then that means there’s one or more people you’re about to have sex with who are less attractive than you. That’s not something I’d want, to be honest. If you’re the hottest person in a theesome, then congrats - you’re about to have sex with two less attractive people.

 

This is all silly anyway, as it’s based on this idea that there’s a scale of absolute attractiveness, which is plainly bollocks. Everyone is attracted to people for all sorts of reasons, and if someone is attracted to you, it might be for something completely different than what you think. I remember dating someone who was stunningly handsome, and thinking he was well out of my league, but fort whatever reason - maybe my wit, maybe my charm, maybe my enormous penis… I was interested to know why he was with me, when there were so many other guys who were in my eyes, much hotter, physically than me, but I never dared ask him what it was he saw in me, in case he went “Actually, now that you mention it, I don’t know… Bye!”

I think what I’m saying is, if you get into a situation where two other people are keen to have a threesome with you, it’s probably best not to worry too much about if they fancy you or not. Because people rarely get naked with someone unless they’re attracted to them, so y’know, once you’re naked, you might as well get confident. You wouldn’t be in that situation unless everyone wanted you to be.

Just enjoy yourself and stop worrying about who’s the most ‘attractive’ because that’s not even a thing and seriously, if there’s two naked people doing lovely things to you and all you can think about is yourself, then you might as well just have a wank.