Including advice for podcasters, marketing on Grindr, and the general ugliness of genitals.
Ok, time for the second Q&A episode! Thanks to everyone who messaged me with a question, I’ve got them all written down and put into what I’m currently calling The Nosey Bowl, and I’ll just pick them out at random and answer as we go. You’ve no-one to blame but yourselves for this.
Have you ever shagged a listener?
Ha! Oh, wow. Ok, we’re starting with this. Um. Probably… I guess. The odds are good. I mean, It’s not like someone messages me saying “Hi! I listen to your podcast!” and I’m like “Excellent! Here’s my penis, hop on! I have definitely tried to turn people I’m already shagging into listeners. When I started this thing, I pretty much spammed everyone in my contacts list with the link going HEY. HEY. LISTEN TO THIS. (Also, hello, and WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME?) To be honest, it’s one of the things I talk about a lot on Grindr to guys. To make myself seem more interesting than just a 6 foot slab of handsome with silly hair on top. I’m sure I must have shagged a couple of people who were interested enough to listen. To be honest, I think most of my marketing for the podcast is in chats on Grindr. You know those keyboard auto correct word-guessing apps that learn what you talk about and then has the word you’re most likely to use lined up next to you don’t have to type it? Mine has the whole podcast speil locked and loaded, just waiting for someone to ask “So, what do you do?” In fact, I should probably give a little shoutout to all the boys on Grindr who listened to my podcast in an attempt to shag, but that I’ve not got around to. You guys are the ones driving my stats. Also, if you’re one of those guys, please message me again, as I might have changed my mind or lowered my standards since we last spoke.
Can you feature your mother in one of your podcasts one day?
I asked her this when she visited recently. She looked at me suspiciously and asked Why? So until I come up with a good reason, that’s probably it.
What made you want to start a podcast?
Ah, y’know, I always imagined that this would be one of those questions I’d be answering on the sofa with Graham Norton, or Ellen, or Stephen Colbert. But, as life repeatedly teaches us, if you want something, go out and make it happen. SItting around waiting for it to fall into your lap is not a good strategy. So, instead, here I am in a cupboard, talking to myself. Anyway. Originally it was going to be a book, until I realised most people would never read it. Then it was going to be a YouTube channel, but it turns out that I’m not that pretty, and editing film is REALLY HARD. I don’t have that much free time already, not to mention housemates who also want to be able to walk around and make noise in their own flat. The bastards. That said, if there’s anyone out there who knows how to do video well and wants to work with me on something, I am definitely open to the idea. Join me after the break when I’ll be talking to Jennifer Lawrence about her new movie. Don’t go away.
Who’re you rooting for on Drag Race season 10?
Y’know, I don’t watch it. For me it’s one of those things, like Eurovision, that’s best watched in company. Watching it on my own, I was never that into it. I asked all of my friends if they’d be up for a viewing party every week, but they were both busy. And before anyone reacts to tell me that I’m a Bad Gay for not watching, I’m going to pre-emptively tell you to fuck right off - I’ll decide what I do or don’t watch.
That said, if anyone wants to invite me to watch it with them, I wouldn’t mind that. As long as there’s alcohol. And wifi.
As a seasoned podcaster, what’s the one piece of advice would you give to someone starting a podcast?
Christ. Seasoned? Not sure I’m an authority on the subject. I generally make it up as I go along. That said, I do have advice as a listener, rather than a creator. EDIT YOUR WORK. Shorter is better. Don’t bore your audience with waffle, get right to the point. If you mess up a line and need to re-do it, go back, listen to your recording, and cut out the shitty bit. Yes, it takes time, but it makes you better. And, more importantly, it makes for a better experience for your listeners. No-one downloads your podcast specifically to hear you cough into the microphone, or blow your nose between sentences. I don’t care how good your material is, if it sounds like shit, I’m not going to listen to it, and neither will anyone else. Aim for an hour, tops. Less than an hour, in fact. If I see a weekly podcast with individual episode lengths of 2 and a half hours, I’m not going to think “oooh, I bet this is just jam-packed with quality material” I’m going to think “If this person couldn’t be bothered to edit their recording, I’m not going to bother listening to it.”
Do we overemphasize the importance of sex?
Oh, god, yes. So much. It’s just sex. Considering the act itself takes about 20 minutes, 10 if you’re doing it right, the amount of effort we put in can be crazy. There’s so much more to human life and interaction. Get out, see a bit of the world, take your mind off your genitals for ten minutes. Maybe get a hobby. I was joking when I said masturbation was a hobby. Put it away. There’s probably a whole episode
Why don’t you bring out an episode every week?
I aim for every week, but don’t always manage it. You know I do this for fun, right? It takes at least a day a week to make each episode. On top of which, I already have a full-time job, and occasionally I have to find time to see my friends, or go out find someone awful to shag so I have something new to talk about on here… I’d love to spend more time on podcasts, or something similar. If anyone out there wants to pay me to do this, I’m open to offers!
Have you ever said no to a dick?
Do you mean have I turned down sex? Yes. Of course. Have you been on Grindr? I’m not going to sy yes to shagging most of assholes on there. Especially when they lead with a photo of their asshole. I mean really.
Or did you mean, have I ever been getting sexy with someone, and then found myself eyes-to-eye with a particularly revolting looking wang and just had to say “I’m sorry, no, that is just scary. Please put it away and maybe see a priest.” No, never done that. Have you seen many dicks? They’re none of them particularly aesthetically pleasing. If it’s a smell thing, or pubes thing, or an infection thing, then fine, say something and get them to do something about it. If it’s just the dick in general that you’re objecting to, get over yourself. It’s a penis. They’re all pretty similar… You don’t need to look good to get the job done. Incidentally, that’s what it says on my Grindr profile.
Have you ever dated a transgender guy? Do You think that transmen have a chance in eyes of cis gay men?
Ohhhh, haha! Yeah I dated a transgender guy. But you know what? You’ll have to wait to hear about it, because I’m not going to tell you until next week.