I said 'Ask me anything', so I guess this is my own fault. Featuring: poppers mishaps, extended heckling, a raspy throat and a question about incest. Sweet Jesus, people.
Are you just doing this because you forgot to write a proper episode this week?
Shut up shut up shut up.
What’s your opinion on poppers? My boyfriend has a really large penis, and we find it difficult to have sex without them.
Well, first off, that seems a lot more like a humblebrag than anything else, but hey, good for you. As for poppers, I’ve tried them, but all they do for memis give me a cracking headache and make me blush really red, and y’know, I need the blood to be flowing in exactly the opposite direction at that point… So I avoid, them, but I know several of my friends and lovers who prefer to use them during sex, as it helps things relax and people enjoy it more. So, y’know, if it works for you, go for it. Here’’s a tip though - be careful opening the bottle if you’ve got lube on your hands. My first boyfriend and I made this mistake once. It slipped out of my lubey hands, fell on the floor and we nearly died of the giggles from the fumes. We had to just leg it out of his bedroom and sit naked in the living room until the fumes had cleared. Scared his housemates, and ruined his laminate flooring.
Have you considered talking to a shrink about the amount you wank?
No. Sometimes I do like to cut down, to make sure I’ll enjoy proper sex fully. But it breaks my heart to look down and see my willy looking at me, like a sad puppy, just wanting someone to play with it… Now I made myself sad.
How many is too many for an orgy?
This sounds like something out of a particularly filthy book on ettiquette. Lady Deidre Flootymuffin’s book, High Society Shagging, has this to say: When hosting an orgy, it is imperative that all participants have access to condoms, lube and any other accoutrements they require. You may even consider creating small party bags, embroidered with the name of every guest, containing the essentials. Not only will your attendees appreciate it in the moment, but they may well take such things into account when compliling the list of invitees for orgies of their own. Ensure, when inviting guests, that you have the physical space to accommodate them all. Any guests left waiting at the door for an existing attendee to finish and leave are unlikely to accept a future invite, or extend any of their own to you.
Would you ever consider using a sex robot?
Yes, but more for times when I’d want it to stand in for me. If I couldn’t be bothered to shag someone, I could just pop a blindfold on my lover, then activate the sex robot and let them go at it, while I read a book in the corner. I’ll throw in a few ‘oh baby’ noises occasionally, just to make sure it sounded convincing. Or maybe I’ll just wait for the holodeck option. On Star Trek, they always used it to meet famous historical characters, or act out their favourite holo-novels, which is great and all, but surely eventually you’d end up wanting to shag Marylin Monroe, or James Dean, rather than just talk to them. And that’s when stuff starts getting weird, because in real life, we work with another person to enjoy sex, but on the holodeck I’d just be “Computer, load the ‘Jason Momoa’ programme. Edit the file to give him an extra-large penis, and make it vibrate. Now, create three more copies of him, lock the doors and tell work I died or something. Engage.”
Have you ever chatted someone up only to find out that you’ve had sex with them before and completely forgotten?
Absolutely not, never. And it’s never completely awkward and weird and embarrassing. And I certainly haven’t suggested that we have another go, to refresh my memory.
How can I get my brother to fuck me again?
W… I. I’m… I don’t… Next question.
Have you ever offended anyone with your podcast?
Only once, my housemate. Because I used a made-up version of a conversation we had to start a podcast discussing the nature of offense and the impact of words, things like that. I changed the circumstances of the story so that he didn’t know the offensive meaning of the word faggot. Of course in reality he does, and I should have been less lazy with my writing to make the basis for the character more obscure. Lesson learned. However, that’s not enough, and neither is just saying ‘sorry’, because that’s not what an apology is about. It’s not enough to do something and then just shrug, say ‘sorry’ and walk away; if there’s a way to make good on what you did, that’s what you should do. If you make a mess, you clear it up, or at least do you best to. That’s why I’ve re-recorded that particular podcast to take away the reference to a real person. So, yeah, never just say sorry if there’s something you can do to fix a mess you made.
Do you bottom? Would you try?
I don’t, really, but I should learn. It looks like fun. The guys I’m with always seem to be enjoying it. And one of the few times I have bottomed, it was AMAZING. Some of the best sex I’ve ever had. I was staying in a hotel in Manchester, and my Gentleman Caller had to leave, so I walked him to the taxi rank down the street, because I’m a classy bitch. Once his car had pulled away, I had to have a sit down on the curb for a couple of minutes, because I couldn’t walk properly. A friend of mine, who usually bottoms but recently began topping more, was complaining the other day about how exhausting it is. And I’m pretty lazy, so the prospect of just laying there and letting the other guy do all the work is tempting… But then I’d probably just start getting all bossy and “No. You’re doing it wrong. Let me do it. Jesus.”
Nudes: Stash or delete?
Hmmm. My own, or other people’s? Actually, it doesn’t matter, because my phone automatically backs everyting up to the cloud, so I imagine there’s literally thousands of dick pics in there somewhere. One day I like to think I’ll be able to share photos of me with my grandkids, so they can see what I looked like when I was young, but I know it’s unlikely to happen, because even if I do end up with grandkids, there’s no way I’ll ever bother to weed out all of the nudes and filth mixed in with all the others photos on my phone. “Hey, little Timmy, want to see what Grandad was like when he was your age? OH GOD, LOOK AWAY!
Are you worried you’re going to run out of stories to tell on your podcast?
Well, NOW I am. I guess I’ll just have to keep sleeping with lots of men, and generally having weird and awful experiences so I can keep telling you about them. God forbid I ever fall in love and settle down.
Did you boo the gay conservatives at this year’s Pride in London? Please explain why in either case.
Oh, the political controversy! I did not boo them. I did, however, shout at them. I’m a fan of long and complicated heckles, especially when I’ve had a drink or twelve, because, y’know, Pride. And I’d been drinking from 11am on Pride day, so you can believe I was hammered. I think my shout at the strangely small number of gay Conservatives marching this year was something like “I know it’s not your fault, and I respect your right to informed political opinion, but your party is against everything this march and the LGBT movement in general stands for. I recognise you’re not part of the leadership, but your presence here and continued support of those who are leading that party makes you complicit.” I had more to say, but they’d moved on by then.
What’s the longest you’ve dated someone before sleeping with them?
Four dates, I think. Which was 3 weeks. The first couple of dates were great, and we liked each other so much that we agreed we could wait and it wouldn’t mmake any difference, but then, to be honest, by the fourth date we were both starting to get on each other’s tits a bit, but we’d invested so much time in getting to that point that we both wanted to shag anyway. Sadly, the sex wasn’t very good, so it was a pretty disappointing thing all round.
Any advice for someone wanting to come out?
Do it now. Sooner is always better than later. Life is short, and you deserve to live life as your best self, unashamed and proud. It’s scary, but once it’s over it’s such a relief. Much like this podcast, in that respect.