Mission


What should you do when God speaks to you? Listen. Even when she does it in French and starts going on about crisps.

Here's what she had to say: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gqpEz7CAJxU

Does anyone else go to the gym and just end up dancing to the music only they can hear? I mean, in my headphones, obviously. Not like I’m hallucinating music. Maybe I am. I mean, the point is, I wouldn’t know, right?

Anyway. I often find myself absent-mindedly turning a stretch into a bit of vogueing. I’ll be like Dum de dum, oh I like this track… Duff duff duff streeeeetch and and up to the left now the right and shimmy and oh shit, sorry, mate, didn’t see you there. Honestly, I wish I had some rhythm and coordination because I could probably make a whole routine out of it, just for fun.

And I mean, why would my whole gym be covered in mirrors if they didn’t want me to sit there lip syncing and dancing to the gayest playlist Spotify would allow?

I’ve heard it said that you can tell a lot about how good someone is in bed by how they dance. I’m not sure how true it is, but just in case, I tend to stand off to one side and have another drink while everyone else gets on with it, and now I say that out loud, it does seem pretty accurate, to be honest.

When I do actually dance, it’s mostly just flailing around a bit, hoping that anyone watching thinks “Hey, that guy is having fun. Look at him go, not caring what other people think and just enjoying himself!” rather than what has happened before, where someone actually asked “Is he ok? Do we need to call an ambulance?”

And, again, “flailing around for ten minutes, trying not to get too self conscious or accidentally lamp someone” is pretty bang-on for my sex technique, too.

I think this is one of the reasons I don’t go out clubbing much anymore. Not because I”m crap in bed, but just because I don’t enjoy dancing very much. I find myself dancing for a bit, then getting bored and going for a drink, then dancing until my drink runs out, and then going to get another one. And that rate of drinking only takes about an hour before things start to get messy. Yes, it’s definitely that, and not because music nowadays is just noise and I’m old and like to be in bed for half past ten.

I’ve forgotten where I was going with this. Oh, right, yes. I was at the gym. See? I’m still young. I go to the gym!

So there I was, yesterday, just getting my cardio in, checking out the hot Personal Trainer who I secretly stalk on Instagram, when God spoke to me. It’s not as odd as it sounds. She does it most times I’m in the gym, to be honest, as she features quite heavily on my gym playlist. I’m talking about Kylie, obviously. She’s my Goddess of choice. Well, one of them. There has to be two, for balance. Kylie is the Goddess of light, and youth, love and joy, and then there’s the other one. The Dark Goddess. Yin to Kylie’s Yang. The ageless one, who exists outside of time, and wears this universe as she pleases. She is Goddess of pain and despair, heartbreak and betrayal. She knows the darkest reaches of the human soul. She sees all, knows all, and will outlive all. But enough about Cher. This is about Kylie.

So, anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah, Your Disco Needs You came on my gym playlist. If you’ve not heard it before, then, it’s probably because you’re too young to remember a world when Jimmy Saville was seen as a loveable eccentric rather than a fucking obvious paedophile.

For those people, and as a reminder to everyone else, it is what’s technically known as ‘a banger’. And that’s not just me saying that. There’s an operatic bit, there’s what sounds very like an incredibly buff Welsh Men’s Chorus, and in the video she’s got this glow around her like she’s eaten too much ready-brek.

Any song that has a line about being useless at Scrabble is automatically brilliant. That’s just science. It’s a fantastic track, and if you disagree with me, I’m going to have to ask you to step outside. I’m not going to fight you or anything, god, no. I just want you to leave.

Where the fuck was I? Oh! Right. Your Disco Needs You. I can’t play it for you right now for various legal reasons that boil down to me not wanting to get sued, thankyou very much. But I’ll tweet about it and link to it on Patreon and all that so you can find it and have a listen. It’s so good.

So, there’s a bit in it where she speaks in French that I’d not really thought about before, but this time it stuck with me. It goes like this:

Vous netes jamais seuls! Vous savez ce qu'il faut faire. Ne laissez pas tomber votre nation. Ta disco a besoin de vous!

I got an A in my French GCSE, twenty years ago, so my accent might be a bit wonky, but you get the gist. I’ll translate. She’s saying:

You are never alone! You know what to do. Then something about crisps.

And yeah, that’s been sticking with me a bit, recently. The never being alone thing, not the crisps. Because that was the point of starting this whole podcast in the first place, to let all of us poofs, homos, little queers, and great big woofters know that, whatever you’re going through, you’re not alone, that there’s other people out there who can relate with whatever fuckery you’re having to deal with. And, y’know, I think I’ve done ok at that. Sort of. So far.

But there’s more to do.

There’s a lot of stories that I can’t tell, either because I’m lucky or privileged or both, enough to not have experienced them, or because it’s not my place. But that doesn’t mean that they’re not stories worth telling. So, with Kylie’s words ringing in my ears, I think it’s time that I stopped doing this alone, too.

So! From now on, I’m opening this podcast up to everyone. If you’re LGBTQ and have a story you want to tell, please get in touch. There’s a button on the website, ProbablyTruePodcast.com labelled ‘Tell your story’ and hopefully it’ll all be quite obvious from there.

Because y’know, what is the point of having the privilege of being a handsome, white, mostly-CIS man with a great big willy if I can’t use it to help my queer and LGBT siblings who might not have those same advantages? The privilege, I mean, not my willy.

SO, yeah, starting next week, you’ll hear voices that aren’t just mine. So far I’ve got drag queens, YouTubers, porn stars and Oscar-winners lined up, and I’d love for anyone with a story to get in touch and join in the fun. The plan is to alternate this sort of episode where it’s just me in a cupboard talking to myself on week, with the new kind every other week where someone else tells their story and I mostly shut the fuck up. For a change.

And if you don’t want to tell a story, there’s other ways to support things - subscribing to the Patreon, telling your friends, subscribing to the Patreon, and just generally helping make this whole thing a success.

After all, this isn’t just me asking. I’m on a mission from God.

Probably a good thing it was Your Disco Needs You that came on. If it had been The Locomotion, things would have been very different. Praise Kylie.